somemansdream

This made my day!!! I finally got a letter from my son!! As some of you know that i’ve been really worried about him. They picked him up friday (not wed. like we thought) and he was taken to the state jail. It is a couple of hours away, which isnt too bad. I knew they wouldnt let him be too close as they consider it a flight risk to be near where family lives. Its a 2 hour visit instead of 30 minutes—but we have to wait 30 days. I’m just so happy to get that letter! Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys. Did I say Yayyyyyyy!!

Sometimes on this journey, our emotions get the best of us. Things happen and we feel like we just cant go on anymore. That we’ve had it–this is it. That all you wanna do is give up. There has been a lot of times where i’ve been frustrated on this journey. However, those true moments of “I just cant do this-i’m done” has been very few thankfully. There is almost always that little spark that stays alive. Then, you guys come along and you lift me up–telling me that I can do this. That this is just a moment in time that i’ve feeling so down–that it too will pass. You guys–that is what its all about. Lifting each other up when we just feel like we cant go on anymore. If I havent told you guys lately–I am so very blessed to call you guys friends. I couldnt do this without you guys and your my lifeline. You guys are there for me on this journey more then anyone else has been, family included.  Thank you!

Now, after I had my meltdown, I came in and wrote another blog yesteriday. Its time now. To keep going. To put my feet back on the right path. That is what I started yesteriday. I got a new workout plan laid out. I’m only doing things that I think I can do without strain/stress on my knee. I will adapt as I need to. I do not think I can do a long walk right now. So, every so often–walk from room to room in the house. If its pretty enough (its been realllllly cold) then maybe the street right here by the house. I’ve done that before. Instead of looking at it, well I cant do this or that….I’ve changed my focus on what I can do. I am looking to make as many changed as I have too.

Some of you know i’m doing Paul McKennas-”I can make you thin ” plan. Easiest thing in the world. No more screwing it up. It has 4 little rules and I’m no longer gonna do this my way–and some of his too. Guess what, it doesnt work that way–go figure lol. That means–and listen closely (this is to me)….NO BOOKS!!! None, read before or after you eat…NO! Start listening to my body. Stop worrying if my body knows how to tell if i’m  hungry (yes, i’m serious–I do worry about it). It also knows how to tell me “i’m full”. Even a child can do that–so its time to end the worries and focus on enjoying the food and eating consciously.

Also, yes, I drink lots of water…..from now on–drink my water before noon—this getting up all night long to go to the bathroom is crazy!!

My goal for next week–follow my workouts, do my food plan…and drop 2 lbs next week.

Thats it guys. Happy Halloween–stay safe and warm buddies.

P.S. Yeah, one more thing. I cant changed anything thats happened–with the gains, with my knee etc. So, there is no since in continuing to let it drag me down. We all have that fighter in our souls–that says…its time to kick some butt.

Its true–I was so down and out yesteriday. So, this morning I came back and was reading the comments that you guys left. By the time I finished, I have tears rolling down my face. It seems like you guys have so much faith in me even when my own faith faultered. After I wrote it and got all those feelings out, later I was able to understand I was having a pity party.  I’m so thankful for you guys–you give me such hope! You keep me sane and on track. You guys are the best buddies a girl can have–thank you, thank you sooo very much. (sniff sniff)

Quite frankly, part of it was dissappointment. Finally found something in the way of exercise that got me fired up with determination to do, then my knee got hurt. However, logically, I know I can start again after it heals. I know that hurting my knee was a possiblity as it never healed fully from my fall at the first of the year. However, I expected it to be from the jogging-not my dog. So, I’ve been keeping it elevated—using frozen veggies as an icepack. I’m hobbling around–trying to keep as much pressure off of it as possible. Time, it all takes time.

Despite my grouchiness, if it had to get hurt–I guess this is the time to do it. 30’s this morning! Brrr. 40’s yesteriday and a few minutes of sleet mixed with rain. I’m not ready for winter.

Now, at least this is a wake up call for me. Like I said, quite a bit of the gain came before I came across my new program. However, like I said the other day–trying to do it my way and a little bit of the programs way–is not gonna cut it. I’m gonna be doing some writing and planning and i’m gonna stick to it. If others can lose weight while being sick or injured or recovering from surgery–so can I!

Ok guys–off to get some breakfast…happy halloween!

 I got such a kick out of this that I posted it in the forum…gotta post it here too lol:

I weighed in last night after eating my meals—and then this morning before anything–exactly the same, down to the oz.  I figured it up–from my lowest weight til now–its a 17 lb gain all together. That makes me just sick.

Last few months have been very stressful–I know that. There wasnt anything I could do about it. I had to ride it out.

 One of the stresses was the thought of my son spending years and years in prison. Well, we got through all the courts and stuff. He was sentence to 2 years state jail. They picked him up last week–wed if he was right about it. Every day I check my mail, hoping a letter is there. I dont know where he is, or what kind of conditions he is facing. Its been a week and i’m still waiting. Praying a letter is there today. I keep trying to tell myself all this stuff–he’s grown, he’s ok…and if something would have happened, they would have called, right? Its not working.

So, to top it off–I took a hit on my knee last night. I was outside playing with Chance–to be honest–I dont know if he hit me or I stepped back and got him. However the result was the same. We both fell. Hubby wanted to take me to the ER. Forget it. I dont think anything is broken, just  messed up. It makes me sick. Last fall I took with this same knee took forever–months and months of time to get as well as it did–and I still have problems with it. Now this.

So, I’m really feeling like this is it, game over and i’m out. I feel like..whats the point? (crap, tears..).

Hey buddies,

aww man, read some blogs that were upsetting. Quite a few of them talking about binging. Boy, I understand about that. Some of you know that i’ve been binging for 20 years. This is soo very hard to stop. Now, I am fixing to tell you what has helped me.  Am I doing perfectly now–of course not. However, I have seen changes in my behaviors. While, this may not help all of you guys that binge….on the chance that it will help one person…I am putting it out there. Now, I dont remember how long I have been following this very simple program. However, what I do know, is that my binges have decreased big time. Since i’ve started this way of dealing with food—I think i’ve had 2 binges. And, it was just little amounts–I realized what I was doing and I stopped. With emotional eating–food is not going to fix anything. I also have had my all time favorite binge foods 2 times and it was no problem. So, with that…here is the information. I got a book by Paul McKenna–called “I can make you thin”. Now, I read his rules–get them online without the book. However, knowing that information changed nothing for me. I ordered the book and the cd. I cant tell you how much this has helped me. Not only has it darn near completely stopped my binging–but, also I no longer think about food 24 hours a day-every day of the week. It has freed me. Now, like I said–this may not help you. However, if it will help one person–its worth writing about.

Now, I got a bit distracted after reading those blogs. Now, like I said–I love this new way of dealing with food. However, being stubborn as I am–I still think I can do this my way…his way (the authors) and mine too. lol. So, today I picking out problem areas and making a list. I am writing down what I think is the problem and how to fix it. For example, I dont get hungry til 2 or 3….but, then I want to eat late at night. So, my solution to that is to get my butt out of bed at a earlier hour. This will also help me to get to bed at a regular time instead of staying up all night. So, that is what i’m gonna be doing today after I get off here…..problems and solutions. I think some times we need to step back and see why things are not working for us instead of trying to force it…I WILL make this work lol.

Other news, feeling better now. All the meds are out of my system. So, this afternoon will be my 3rd day of my couch to 5k. I’m looking forward to getting out there and doing that. The next time I do it–I am supposed to start week 2. However, I dont know if I’m ready to step it up a bit. I will kind of judge that by how today goes. If I think I can do it…heck yeah…I will go on to week 2. However, its up to my body. I will say–self talk is a biggie on helping you or defeating you on something like this. You know what I tell myself as i’m jogging to that 2nd pole….I can do this…over and over…that is what I tell myself. Then, its yay…thank god, second pole..whew…lmao.

Alrighty guys–get out there and chase that sexy body you want. Work it.

Over and over today I have tried to write a blog. I wanted to be upbeat and positive. However, no matter how I try–its obvious i’m trying to fake my way out of the mood i’m in. I could go down a whole list (including meds) that have left me feeling this way today. But, really who cares. I dont wanna hear it, do you?

So, here I am trying to write this blog. I guess really all that matters to me is that you guys are doing ok today. I hope that you did something–even if its one thing to help you along your way to weight loss. As for me, that one thing would have to be my water. Not much but considering the circumstances….lifting weights, or trying to jog while under the influence of muscle relaxers probably wouldnt be a good thing–might be funny though. lol

Well, thats it for me tonight guys. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Hey guys,

Well, I’m just now getting around to blogging for today. To be honest, I’ve been in some kind of mood today. So, I figured if I cant play nice with others, then I better leave for a bit til I was chilled out. It was just one of those things I guess. A comment I heard on tv, something someone says–then, I came in here this morning and read some stuff–and the meanness was wanting to come out I tell ya. I was good though, I wasnt mean to anyone. I’m chilled out now.

I know part of it is just frustration. I had to take a day of rest instead of doing my 3rd day of my couch to 5k program. My knee was throwing a fit yesteriday. I had already decided to rest it today and see–I think I can pick back up tomarrow. Some other aches and pains probably didnt help any–but, those come and go as they want too…not much I can do about it. It worked out ok as far as the weather though–its cold today! Tomarrow is supposed to be prettier–or wait…is that the day after…well, whatever.

I also know I got pissy about something else…hubby was acting like a 2 yr old…wanting something–knowing damn well I had money but it was ear marked for something else. He better cover his butt if he doesnt make up for it this week–we need that money. Grrrr.

Normally, this is where I would say something to try and encourage everyone on their path. I’m really not gonna say anything other then you have to have faith that you can do it. There are so many things that can come along and throw you clean off this path. Its up to you to stay on that path–you dont have to let circumstances do that to you. You have to make up your mind. You have to make a committment. For those of you that dont know–eating a brownie…a cookie (1..2…3…6…whatever) is NOT off the path…just a minor detour and it will still lead you to the End of the path if YOU let it. The choice is yours.  (ok, so I lied about not saying anything other then have faith…oops).

Good morning buddies!

So, yesteriday was weigh in day for me. No surprise to see that 3 lb gain–it showed up as the same day as pms. While pms when away finally–I was still having cramps and back pain. That was kind of strange but one of those things I guess. I was not upset about the gain-I figure it will drop back off and I’ll be back where I started before pms showed up. However, I wont step on the scale til next weigh in to find out. The scale is not the only way to tell if your doing good.

Just this morning, I went to my closet–looking for clothes for today. I grabbed a shirt and thought…I dont like that one. It hugs the boobs and the rest of me too. Then, cause I need to do laundry–I was like…oh just wear it ok. It fits just fine..not snug in the boobs or anywhere else. So, ha..take that scale.

Also, you know in your mind if your doing good. You know if your drinking water, working out and eating good portions sizes. I remember one week–man, I really felt I was rocking it….just doing so damn good–felt so proud of myself. Then, I stepped on the scale and it showed up 4 lbs. I was so freaking mad…like what the hell you know. However, I remember coming in here and blogging that I refuse to let the scale steal my pride in a job well done for that week. I try to keep that in mind now. I’m telling ya guys–that scale can bounce for any reason–even just normal ups and downs. (doesnt that suck lol). So, if you know your doing good–dont you dare let that scale tell you otherwise ok.

Ok, now I just wanna say–I have been there guys. Oh, obsessing about calories and then feeling guilty about eating something–normally chocolate.  I just want to encourage everyone to think about this. If you take a small piece of whatever it is that you want….stop..and take small bites. Let the flavor roll around on your tongue—oh man its good huh. Enjoy it. After its over, then go about your business. Dont beat yourself up. Dont think you have to start over now. This is a lifetime change for most of us–not a diet. Just yesteriday I saw 2 blogs from ladies that have done this guys. These are ladies that have lost some weight now. I think this is how its done. This is something I am doing in my own life too but I dont rank the weight loss these ladies have.  Just a thought for you guys.

For those that know–hubby is a diabetic. He has fallen off the wagon and now is back on again. I agreed to be the one to tell him no–where as before, I refused to be his watchdog. So, he has been good–doing this probably about a month now-maybe a bit longer. It is tight portion control and meals and snacks with certain foods planned out for each of those. So, I have noticed something. If he gets 1 treat on the weekend–then he can go about his business the rest of the week. Does he need the sugar in that treat? No. However, I figure if we can do that–and it will keep him on track the long term–then I am willing to do that. His blood sugar is now staying in normal range–and he’s losing weight too. I forgot how much though–oops. I will do everything I can to help him stay on track. It can really make him sick when his blood sugar is out of control.

Have a great sunday guys!

So, today was day 2 of the couch to 5k program for me. So, I had 2 goals today. One, to do better emotionally, and to at least do as well physically. So, sitting here recovering, I feel I did both. The program says do 20 minutes but I do 40 to make up the extra time I need in between the jogs—I wait til the pain in my feet ease off a bit. I am going by distance instead of time so I dont have to keep looking at a clock. So, I did a distance of 2 poles (light poles)…with a goal of doing 3 poles at 1 point in the walk. I did all that. The first time, I experienced a range of emotions–including embarrassment and anger. Today, I was determined to focus on me and keeping my mood up. I did.

You know, there are so many things that can get us down when we are trying something new. However, we have to remember that it takes time to get better at things. So, those little goals like I posted above are my way of improving without ragging on my butt that I should be better. There is nothing I can do but start where I am and work my way up. Also, there can be some physical pain involved. For me, its my feet. There is a difference to me in the kind of pain that I need to stop me -to keep me from a injury -or the kind of pain that comes from being too heavy and its something new. I expect it, I deal with it and I push through. I have too if I want to improve. Otherwise, I have to go back to walking. I dont want to. I want this.  I also experience some wheezing–today was an improvement on that already so I’m happy about that. I came home last time and wheezed for 30 minutes after I was done. Yes, I do cool down–its my walk home from the park–5-10 minutes, mostly depending on how much i’m dragging butt on the way home lol. Today, there is hardly any wheezing at all…yay.

Anyway, thanks guys for the encouragement on my last blog about my first day and the comment I got from hubby. It feels good to know i’m not alone here.

For those that know about my son, here is the latest. No visitation today. They picked him up and transferred him to whatever state jail they sent him to. Now, all I can do is wait for a letter to tell me where he’s at. This is the start of his 2 yr sentence. I can only hope that he stays safe and that he uses this time as a lesson. I am feeling a bit sad, but still really glad that on last visitation day, I took Brittney (my daughter) to see him–first time they have talked in a couple of months. I’m glad she had that time with him. So, we will just have to wait and see how things go. I know a lot of you guys have  helped me through this time, and for that, I will  always be so very thankful for you guys.

Thats it for now–gotta finish my water and probably drink another. Time to play a game. Have a great day guys.

How many times did you let outside influences stop you from doing what you wanted??? I was thinking about this last night.

Little background. See, thanks to someone here at buddyslim, I found the couch to 5k program. So, I wanted to try it. Last night, as I was getting ready for my first day of it, I was trying to figure out where I could go where less people would see me. Then, I thought, well, I’m going to the park–its the best place for something like this. I knew I wouldnt do very well on this. See, even though it starts you off with 1 minute jog, 90 seconds of walk–that it was gonna be hard. Pushing myself, I can do the 1 minute jog–max. I got embarrassed cause I had to jog and then walk longer then it said to. I figured my knee would bother me–but I was experiencing the same pain in my feet as when I try to do tae bo. However, I decided I was gonna do this day. I would take a extra minute or two of walking. In exchange, I did about 40 minutes instead of 20 minutes the program suggested in order to make up the extra time I needed. So, I had a lot of things going on in my head during this. Embarrassment at how bad I was. Then, I got pissed. I thought, well, at least I’m out here trying and that has to count for something. Its kind of funny now–that I reacted this way–I didnt see anyone pointing at me or laughing at me–it was all ME.

I did it. We have light poles along the walk way. So, since I couldnt do time–I did distance–walk 2 poles and jog 2 poles. At one point, I wanted to really push and do 3 poles and I did it–just barely but I did it! 

So, I make it home—sweating and hot, wheezing like a wind broke horse (that lasted like 30 minutes after I worked out, despite my cooldown). I got home and hubby came in here and asked where I went. So, I told him, and told him what I did. He was like…your too big to jog. Then, he changed it to–just dont hurt yourself. I didnt say anything but at the time–that really hurt my feelings. Thinking about this–this is one way that someone can steal your dreams from you. Now, I know he had no meanness in his intentions but still. Someone making negative comments and telling you—you cant do that, your too fat.

I was wondering how many times have I let someone say something—or even maybe the words came from me–that stopped me from doing what I wanted. Why cant I do that? Others have—I see it on here all the time. People used this program to get on track. Some of you guys started out big…now jog, and even run. Some of you blog about doing very long runs that inspire me.

So, thinking about this last night. You know what. My body may not let me do this-I dont know. However, I have already decided to give it the first week. After all, we all have to start somewhere. The only way to build up strength and endurance is by starting some where and working your way up. I may not want to run–I may want to jog. However, right now–i’m at ground zero–I will stay there unless I do something!!!! I do however want that choice. I want to be able to run if I want to. I want to get to the point that if I decided I wanted to go out for a jog–then I can!

So, guys–beware of someone (even yourself) thinking or saying things (deliberate or not) that may stop you from going after what you want. Yes, I know my hubby wants the best for me. I never doubt that he loves me dearly—yet, I cant let his words stop me or cause me doubt. Thats my warning for today guys. Also, remember to be kind to yourself. If you are like me–it takes doing those baby steps first before you can run and thats ok. Remember, keep working on it and the only place you will go is up! Progress!