somemansdream

First of all, let me say thanks for the love and support you guys gave me on my last blog. You just never know what will strike a cord in someone when you write a comment. Sometimes, it seems that when someone is going through a hard time, its hard to know what to say really. I say follow your heart and whatever thoughts you may have, cause you just dont know when something is said–bingo, it was just the right thing. That is what happened to me when I read the comments and messages from you guys.

A few things were said that changed my attitude about things. I have been so focused on my pain and worrying about my sons. I refused to tell him what his letter did to me, I felt that it wasnt right for him to see that kind of grieving and pain…though he has seen some tears fall. I have seen his tears fall and I know the heartache that he’s going through. However, what kind of pain do you think a son would have if he was the reason his mother fell completely apart? Plus, how do you think a husband feels watching not only his beloved wife but his son slowly coming apart? What about my daughter, do I think she has no feelings about this? The point of this, its just not about me and JC. I need to open my heart and my eyes and see that others are involved too. Also, that by letting myself go at any part of this, will only bring more hurt to my family. You have to know, I didnt realize this on my own. Are you kidding, I was too busy suffering and wallowing. So, a heartfelt thank you to my friends that have helped me understand a few things.

Funny enough, I have had the urge to run. Uhh, only problem is that I cant even jog ok. Last time I tried it…I did a whole minute (and thought I was dying lol) before having to stop. I’ve been ignoring this urge. Then, like one of those “moments”….uh hello….who says you have to run a mile or two….why not run…or even jog….for one minute and walk, and then over and over. Then, maybe in a week, I can add a little more time..and build from there.  I have also thought about doing a full body workout–just see what I can do….really make myself sweat. Anyway, some ideas i’m playing with, let you guys know how it goes.

Thanks again guys–you really keep me sane.

Well guys, here I go again, fighting the feeling to hide and sink into a depression. You see, today was visitation day for my son who is in jail. While we were talking, he got a letter from his lawyer. He goes to pre-trial Monday. I dont know if thats good or bad. I’ve been dreading it since this whole thing came about. As I was driving home, I was like…I dont even know what to pray for. I dont know how this will all turn out–but, there is so much fear in my heart. I know God knows, but I sure wished he would share with me. So, I came home  and laid down for a bit. After I got up, I came in here to the computer room….stopped by here. Left a couple of short comments–but, really–I can fell the urge to just stay away from here. Why, I have no idea–as this is where I get my biggest support next to my hubby. I guess its the depression talking.

Some of you know that i’m on day 2 of my new changes. Today wasnt a very good day–I ignored my bodys request for food two times today–waiting hours before finally giving in. Then, I  only ate a little bit of food. My body says food, my heart says–I dont care about that right now.

I dont remember ever dreading any thing more then what we are facing. Problem is, there is no running from it or hiding it. And Monday will come around regardless of how I feel about it. I dont know yet if they are gonna plea bargain him or what. Or, take it all the way to trial. Either way, the days that are coming are gonna eat at me heart and soul. Damn, tears.

Anyway, I’m writing this because hiding is not the answer. If I let it, depression will take completely over me. So, guys–these blogs coming up–lord they might be heartbreaking. I dont know if the trial will be right after the pre-trial or what. Regardless, these are gonna be some very dark days for me–(more tears).  Anyway, you guys have been a lifeline to me–real, true friends that have been standing behind me all the way, and for that–thank you. Those of you who read the coming blogs and offer support–thank you for that too.

Well i’m pretty upset right now. Had a close encounter with a pit bull at the park. It had gotten out of its fence and was running loose. Some guys were trying to catch it and put it back up. Well, I had already started walking in a different direction–hoping it would not see us. It did and came running at us. So, I made my dog sit..and I stood in front of him. I yelled at the dog to go home–he looked at me…then began to circle us—he moved, i moved…staying in front of my dog—bracing for an attack. One of the guys finally caught him at the circling point. Two ladies saw the whole thing and as i got back up on the path…asked if I was ok. Yeah. Said my poor dog wouldnt have stand a chance with the muzzle he wears–its actually a gentle leader…but yeah, point taken. The lady then told me that dog is a fighting pit, and that its been loose several times this week. Since I walk at the park fairly regularly…I did noticed that fence and the dog–each time praying it holds. This is absolute bull shit….you want a dog–especially a dog of that nature…you put it in a secure fence and pay to keep it up!! Tomarrow, i am going down and getting the address of this house, then I am going to call the animal control or the sherriffs department–whoever handles calls like this.

On the way home, all I could see is pics in my head of what could have happened. I have no cell phone any more so I wouldnt be able to call for help if I needed it (though I would hope someone would have at least called 911 if I needed it.) I told hubby, no more walks. He was like no baby. However, he does insist that I buy some pepper spray before I resume walking. No money til payday so I’ll be missing this weeks worth of walks.

Anyway, I know i’ll never sleep tonight unless I get this anxiety and worry out of my head.

Other news, day 1 today. I woke up so relaxed and happy–I was shocked to be honest…i’m not the happy-go-lucky kind lol. So, instead of worrying about food today—I worried I wouldnt know if I was getting hungry–that the signals my body would send isnt something I would recognize after 20 years of ignoring that sucker. I would catch myself worrying and have to laugh—and tell myself–its ok, you got this one. I know, i’m so silly sometimes.

Hey guys,  Good morning!

Well, today is day 1 and i’m looking forward to it I have to say. Like I said before, I have no idea if this guy has a clue (bought a book and has a cd to listen to as well.). However, in all my 20 years of gaining weight and losing weight–I have never done this. I have never listened to my body. Are you serious? Hell, Ive spent 20 years trying to shut it up–except if it hurt somewhere lol. I cant remember  the last time I sat down to eat something, and really consciously enjoy it. Heck–that inner nag going 90 miles an hour–hard to enjoy anything lol. Plus, I read every time I eat—I have to set that aside and that will be hard. Usually what I eat is scraped as many calories as possible–cheese–no, butter–barely. I was thinking–my god, I can have spaghetti–I have not eaten that in so long. Bacon-ha ha..not a chance.

 Here is the deal, even in the cd it encourages you to make the healthy choices that your body loves–listen to it, and give it what it really wants. After enjoying your meal–every bite and eating slowly–as soon as your full, your done. I havent done anything like this. Last two years, it has been on and off the wagon–because, somewhere I got the idea I should eat out of those little 1 cup bowls….I do ok, then later in the week, I rebel and go eat and eat. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this morning I am so happy! I realize I have a lot of screwed up thinking to deal with as it comes…but thats ok. I didnt gain all this weight over night. I have had 20 years to screw up my thinking trying to lose this weight–so i will need some  time to lose that nag that screams at me lol.

Other news, omg…are you serious! The wind is blowing like veryyyy hard!!! Which is actually very funny that it chose today-my day 1. We divide our teams into 2 separate mini teams for innner competition…guess what mine is…WIND!! lmao.

Day 1–looking forward to this sooo very much. I cant remember the last time I have felt so relaxed. I also slept without sleeping pills last night. So, happy–happy face here. Enjoy your day guys.

PS. You have one body your entire life…hating it is a waste of complete energy…love it, treat it with respect…you wouldnt treat a stranger the way we treat ourselves sometimes…love guys–not hate.

That is what tomarrow brings…a new start that hopefully will be bringing some wonderful new changes.

If you guys read my last blog where I was so pissed–then you know i’ve started reading a book by Paul Mckenna–I can make you thin. (and i’ll be listening to his cd).  I’ve had many thoughts in my head while reading. Last night, I was moved to tears when he said after reading the book, go buy some groceries that you like to eat. My reaction–are you freaking serious?? I have so many negative thoughts…dos & donts that surround food—that this is really gonna take a lot of mental work. But, the way I look at it, try his way til January–plenty of time to really follow the program (hopefully for  life) and see what happens. Its actually veryyyyy simple… I have lots of learning to do–letting go of all that negativity.

Anyway, I am looking forward to this as a fresh start. I just wanted to let you guys know i’m doing this….we will see how it goes. Wish me luck.

That pretty much sums it up….damn near to the point of being enraged.  I want to scream and kick and rant and rave—you guys just dont know.

Ok, what’s going on? Deep breath so I can come across a bit rational maybe. I bought Paul Mckennas book, I can make you thin. I only read a little bit about it. Then, closed the book and tried to go to sleep. Then, my mind started spinning…and the more I think about it…the madder I get.

This is me. My experiences and my thoughts ok–I cant base them on anyone elses. I have been overweight my Entire adult life. I have lost weight, gained back and even now–yo yo between pounds. I am obsessive over food–if i’m not eating, i’m thinking about it. The reason why is because all these years I have this internal dialog going on—the foods I eat are low calorie and tasteless–i’ve done good for the day–yay me, low cal day. Bad me, has eaten something I shouldnt have cause I love the taste–and even if i’m “strong” enough to restrict how much of it I can have—there is that nag going off in my head—saying oh you shouldnt have. You trying to lose weight. You will always be fat. I’ve done this over and over for over 20 years guys. Looking in the mirror and thinking horrible things or looking at the scale with my heart weighed down because the scale is up again. 20 years of food restrictions, at times working my ass off like i’m living in boot camp…round and round i’ve gone–spent my life with this. How many times have I cried tears of rage and frustration at myself because I cant seem to get it together and finally lose the weight. How many times, have I picked myself up and saying…ok, we are doing this yet again cause I cant give up.

So, tonight, I start reading this book–and I want to cry and rage at the same time. 20 years of my life i’ve done this. Now this man comes along and says…honey, you can have want you want, when you want it–as long as you enjoy it…etc etc. He goes against 20 years of trying to brainwash myself into believing that i’m weak–that i dont have a backbone when it comes to food–and he’s telling me its possible to finally be free of all this crap i’ve been living with!!

Do you have any idea how bad i’ve made myself feel, over food and weight and body issues. It makes me sick that i didnt have this at the beginning of my adult life…how different and how freeing it would have been!!!!! Now, I havent put anything this man has said to use–havent even read all of it yet. I dont know yet if this man really has the answers.  However, if there is a chance in HELL that this man is even within a fraction of being right–i’m grabbing it with both hands and hanging on for dear life.

What I do know is that after 20 years of beating this horse–I havent gotten anywhere really. I have cried many tears from a hurting heart–thinking there has to be a better way to live. That there is something I dont know.

You know, I do want to lose weight. However, there is something else I want to. Freedom. No more wasted hours fussing about food and the internal struggles that I face every single day. That wears on the heart and soul guys. Sometimes, I throw in the towel for a day or two cause I just cant bare to keep going. Then, all those overwhelming feelings of being a loser, spineless–etc etc…start hounding me til I pick up the battle again.

Anyway, I just thought of all those wasted years–all the self hatred etc (I dont hate myself any more….but I used to) and I just became enraged tonight. I knew there would be no sleep for me til I vented.

Like I said, I dont know if this guy really has a clue—but for a chance at true mental freedom and a healthy weight-you damn straight i’m gonna try it.

Sometimes life is really hard. You have to face things you never wanted to face. It hurts, there is no doubt about it. Yet, if you let it, it can make you grow too. I think this is something my son and I are both learning.

Some of you know he is sitting in jail–he is facing 3 felonies which equals a possibity of lots of years in prison. I did find out some information today. At least his lawyer is trying to work out something good for him (well, good as can be expected).

Anyway, I have cried so many tears and suffered a lot of heartache over this whole situation. I was really down about this yesteriday. Some days i’m ok, some i’m not. About what I expected. Anyway, facing my son during visitation today, I can tell this whole thing is changing him. This is the only time in his entire life that he has admitted that we tried everything we could. Plus, some other stuff that has been said–I think we are both experiencing growing up pains with this too. I even told him, that we can face this and whatever happens–especially if it means he comes out a better person. We shall see.

I know there will be days like yesteriday–despair and heartache…and days like today where i’m ok. I’m sure my son is experiencing the same thing.

I just wanted you guys to know. Having something that hits you in the heart–is just brutal. You come out of it, day by day, dealing with each thing as it comes. Tears, despair, and even tiny bits of joy. There is always hope–always. Maybe you dont get the answer to your prayers as we dont know where we are always headed—sometimes faith/god has things in store for us that we have no clue about. However, we are strong. Its ok- strength, it doesnt mean that we dont have those moments–just that we will come out of them–strength comes from hope I think.

God bless buddies.

Learning a lesson–that is what happened last night.

So, I’m in here playing games and the thoughts of chocolate chip cookies crossed my mind a few thousand times. I get up to go into the house and hubby is like–sweets, baby we have any?? Uhh No, sure dont. He’s like..I have $20. End of story is that I’m go to the store for cookies. Now, the whole time this is taking place–mentally, i’m going off. “I dont need any damn cookies–its just temptation in the house–I’ll eat more then I should, like the whole damn package…and on and on.” I was like…wait just a damn minute. Do I seriously think I’m never gonna face temptation? Am I scared of a package of cookies! Why not let this be a learning experience for me. I”m gonna have to learn to deal with food sooner or later and that most definitely includes sweets. I love sweets! So, I was like ok. Thanks to my logging my food, I know exactly where I stand on calories. So, I got home. Flipped them suckers over to read calories. Holy cow–those suckers are loadedddddddd. Ok, got out my calculator. I did the math. I added enough cookies to give me 1533. calories for the day. (1133 before the cookies).

So, I grabbed my cookies and brought them into the computer room. I looked at them and told myself–that is PLENTY of cookies for one person. Now, I picked that cookie up and enjoyed it…letting the chocolate melt in my mouth. I did that with each cookie–take a bite and enjoy. Ok, cookies gone. Now, just because I have a 2 yr old screaming inside my head—I WANT MORE. I do NOT have to give in too it. I control other appetites and this is no different. I tell that 2 yr old to be quiet–cookies are done and to be happy.

I felt like this was a real victory for me. I had a set number of cookies and was happy. I wasnt even tempted to go back and grab more–it just didnt seem like that was an option. Plus, 1500 calories for the day so I didnt feel all that guilt and stuff for going through some megga calories.

Sugar seems to be the worst for me. I have seen this before. I am ok without it, but boy, give me a little and normally I want more and more. Then, i sulk and pouted and then normally say screw it and eat more and more.

I have to remember–sugar or not…food or not. I do have control. If I think for one minute I dont–that is time to walk away. For most anyone this can be hard–especially for those trying to lose weight…for bingers (20 years or more)—this is veryyyy hard thing to do. NOT impossible though!!!!

However, every time you experience a little bit of success—food wise, exercise or water–whatever—it empowers you to do more. That my friends is called making baby steps. That we can do. So, I know i’m not alone in this. I know that I WILL make today another great day for weight loss—some food, dancing, weight lifting and water–I will have a great day. Are you gonna have a great day???? You can you know—its up to YOU!!!

The scale-I read a blog this morning (rebeccas) that boy–hit it right on the head what I went through last night. See, pms was here and I felt as big as a house–so, I wanted to know what pms reading on the scale was–First, it jumped 6 lbs. I was like..ook. Then, over night…that stupid scale jumped another 3 lbs!! Ohhh I was sooo mad!!! I was mentally ranting and raving–calling him names–the whole thing. I counted calories yesteriday and yes, it was a bit high–1800 calories doesnt make 3 lbs though. So, what happened. That stupid scale is gonna show a gain, i’ll give it a gain–those thoughts jumped into my head. Like, seriously, the scale doesnt care!! Its a tool! It doesnt care if you call him names, or threaten him with a hammer (all of which i’ve done lol). However, I decided to go to bed instead of eating. I will say—I had a million trips to the bathroom last night—and on one of the trips–I stood in front of hubby—looking at him, looking at the kitchen–thinking of food. He asked whats the matter–I said nothing and turned and walked back into the bedroom. What a dangerous moment for me–I could have easily went in there and pigged out!!!

Anyway, I just want to encourage everyone that steps on the scale–no matter if you do it daily–or biweekly or whatever—to use it as a tool. Dont let a gain–no matter if its just water or what–throw you off track. Dont give him power over your emotions. He is a TOOL. You are the one with the power—the power to stay on track. Make good food choices and to get those workouts in. Just do it ok, take the time to take care of yourself.

Have a great day guys!!!!

I  intended to do pilates today but decided to do something else…Dancing! If there is ever a physical workout that gets me really going–that is it. I love it, and I love music–you put them together and its passion!! It makes me feel sooo good. Yet, most days I dont even bother. What a shame—to have something that you love–and not even bother! Well no more. This gets me fired up like nothing else–I have lots of dance dvds/and dvds to learn how to dance etc….even richard simmons, sweating to the oldies–lol. Then, after I work on those, I usually do some free dancing…just moving to the music anyway I want. Thats what I did today. So, now here I sit, soaked with sweat…happy as can be lol. This is something I need to remember!!

Anyway, i”m off–I just wanted to remind myself—hey you…get off your butt and dance—you love it..its amazing and it burns calories and fat!!! Could it be any better??? lmao. See ya guys later.