somemansdream

I’m sitting here trying to figure things out. PMS is making me emotional but i’m trying to be logical. I just took another walk with Chance. Each and every day that I do this, the price I pay is going up and up on the pain scale. My right knee, the burning is now going up my thigh and I noticed today that by trying to ease that knee, i’m walking an awkward gait which is now cause my other knee to hurt. Crap. I’ve already tried slowing my pace to half of what it normally is. I’ve been listening to the part of me that loves my walks–I think I better start listening to the logical side. As I was walking this evening, I was racking my brain trying to figure out what kind of workouts I can do that will not cause my knee more strain. The only thing I can come up with is a pool and I dont have access to one. I also came up with just working everything but my legs–and skipping cardio–that little devil pops up and says, yeah and what good is that gonna do ya? Upper body, abs and butt I can work out. One the reasons i’ve fought so hard on not giving in to my knees, is that I deal with depression and walking outside helps me feel better. Plus, lately…i’ve been using fast paced walks (or I was) to burn off stress for the stuff that we are facing. I would rather turn to that then food. I really wanted to hit this hard this month…so tired of this bouncing around i’ve been doing..I wanna go down! The way I see it, its gonna take a least a month, maybe two, to see my doc about this. So much of it depends on hubby and all these infections he’s been getting. That means no work for  him, doctor visits, meds &  hospitalizations. So, my knee has to come in last as hubbys stuff can kill him, my knee cant. Part me says, that work what I can, watch the diet closely and I can lose weight. The devil part of me says, why bother. To my way of thinking, it boils down to how bad do I want this??? I am not willing to damage my knees & I darn sure dont want to mess them up to the point I need surgery or something equally bad. What do you guys think—can I lose weight without doing cardio and just working other parts of my body and leaving my knees alone? Is this worth trying? I have tried out the suggestions of heat or ice and both make it hurt even more. I know whatever this is, it will take doctor intervention and I dont have it. You know, its not even the workouts that worry me the most about all this, its the depression—I dont wanna lose anymore time to it. Toss in the problems we face and I feel like its a straight road to that if I lose my workouts too. Any tips, ideas or suggestions will be welcomed!

Well, today was a weigh in day for my team–6 lb gain. I was so proud that I didnt have any candy at all since my last weigh in. Plus, I have stayed on track with my food–eating til almost full but thats it. I’ve gotten lots of walks in with Chance. Some workouts, this is the area that havent been perfectly consistant but I have done some.  Earlier in the week, I went to grab some jeans out of the closet and I had a pair that have always been snug in the waist. I thought, oh man…i dont wanna wear those–but, I hadnt done any laundry so I really didnt have much choice. I thought it was great cause I ended up wearing them and pulling them up all day–they were loose! Now, that is what the scale showed me–6lbs gain.  Yes, I know pms is coming–already with the cramps and moodiness. The only bad part of my week is that I drank some beer the other night. Also, yesteriday I had a piece of cake from my daughters birthday. Yet, i’ve been proud of how I was doing….I guess sometimes the scale is not a true reflection after all. I refuse to let him take away the way I feel about how I did this week.

The other day, I went to the store and as I was standing there at the counter…someone I knew walked in and I havent seen her in a long time. She didnt say hi or nothing…just…my god, you’ve lost weight! lmao. That made me feel good.

Like i’ve said, yesteriday was my daughters 18th birthday and graduation day all in one. So, when time came, I got dressed and did my hair-curling it and makeup. Well, my sons girlfriend is here a lot. I never thought much of it. I walked into the front room and she was here. Her jaw almost literally dropped–she was like ..you look so pretty, look at your hair! lmao. Made me feel good.

Now, lets talk about food. Yesteriday, my hubbys sisters came down and took us out to dinner. The one thing i’ve noticed about his younger sister is food. I love food too but I dont know, her focus on it seems a little strange to me or off a bit I guess. Both of his sisters are big, his younger sister is really big. Both of them have given up on losing weight. His olders sister was like, vacation time and i’m gonna enjoy my food. Mentally, I think–your health is worth fighting for dont give up. But, I dont say any thing. His older sister is a nurse that deals with heart patients so I know she knows the dangers. Far more then even me with what she sees. These are two beautiful and great ladies and its sad to see they have given up hopes of losing weight and being healthier for temporary gratification. I wished I could help them.

Now, food. Uhhh, I was talking to my sister about it. We are both in really bad spot financially, for different reasons. I was telling her, when we get on our feet, I swear I never will buy another hamburger helper again. Chicken and hamburger–i’m so sick of it!! I told her, I was getting to the point where I damn near would rather go hungry then eat more of that stuff. She started shaking her head, she was like…oh boy, do i know! See, i’m not one of those cooks who can throw a little bit of this and that together and have a great tasting meal. Nope, cant do it, i’ve tried. Mix that in with a very limited and getting more limited each day budget….its not good. Some of you know of my baking disasters–I used to be able to bake now but I guess that skill got lost!

I live in a small town and we have one grocery store (united) and one walmart…but its not a superwalmart so it doesnt sell a full line of groceries. Prices are going up and up. Seriously, who is gonna pay $25-$55 for one brisket??? Bag of potatoes are $6 here. They wonder why people are not buying as much–simple, not enough money. I wished we had some kind of farmers market here but we dont. Nothing here to help the grocery budget. Blah.

Well, I need to get off of here and get to work. Have a great day guys!

Well, it finally arrived–my daughter turned 18 today and graduated. I couldnt help but see her standing there in her cap and gown and that beautiful smiling face looking so happy and my heart just filled up with emotions. My baby girl isnt a baby any more. I didnt cry though–it wasnt easy as her aunt that came down from missouri had tears running down her face–I was like…no, dont do that. Hubby took pictures and I hope they turned out good. Later, I will get him to put them on my computer.

Now, hubby update. Guys, can you freaking believe he went to the doctor today and they found another abcess right on top of the other one. He goes back to the doctor monday and he said if he didnt like what he saw, he was changing hubby’s meds. He is in real bad shape right now–he’s been up and sitting upright in chairs today and that puts pressure on them. Well, when we got home, I had to change his bandages–blood and stuff soaked completely through the bandages and his boxers even. He’s in a world of hurt right now. How I wish I could ease his pain. (he has pain meds but can only take them by the directions). While I was changing the bandages, I told him they have never sent him home with an abcess looking like that or it could be without his IV meds, the other meds are not strong enough–I dont know.  Doc told him extra showers daily with antibacterial soap, lysol and stuff–but, to be honest…I dont know if he thinks its gonna help or just something to try. Our doc is consulting with the ones in Lubbock trying to find a solution though.  I know this daily battle with his health is really wearing us out, emotionally and money wise.  He hasnt said it but I can see the strain on him. When he said another abcess–god, my heart just sank. Looking at it and seeing what it looks like–I wouldnt be a bit surprised to see him back in the hospital.  See, i’m not even the one in pain–i’m just watching what he has to go through and its so damn hard…and for it to be repeated and repeated. I feel like we are in abcess HELL.

Anyway, been an emotional week and looks like more coming…pms will be here soon and its not looking good already. I’m gonna get off of here before I cry like a 2 yr old.

One funny note:  I saw my 5 yr old niece today. She asked who’s birthday is it. I told her brittneys. She asked, how old is she–i replied 18. Then she asked, well, how old are you (meaning me) and i told her 40 and she looked and me and told me, man, your old! lol. Out of the mouth of babes.

Oh, i have written about my parents before and the really bad situation they are in right now. Well, I was told that he was sick. Ok, well…I talked to him tonight and he thinks he has a mini stroke. He didnt go to the doctor or the ER or anything. He said he is feeling better now though, but not much by the looks of him.  I wished he would go and get checked out but he wont. He is under so much stress right and I dont want to lose him to a stroke or a heart attack or anything. I wished I could help them out of their bad times but i’m not able to.

Anyway, i’m out of here before tears come…goodnight guys

I dont know if its pms fixing to come and get me or a case of the momma blues. My daughter Brittney turns 18 tomarrow and graduates in the same day. I have written about this a few times so to some of you, its not real news. She is leaving early next week to move to New Mexico to be with her cousin that she is very close too. The house is sure gonna be empty without her here. I’ve been sad about it this week as time draws closer and closer. Part of it is the fact that I have nothing to give her to celebrate such a special day. Every time I’ve tried to save at least a few dollars–here comes unexpected expenses like doctors and hospitals. I mean, I’ve already talked to her about it and she’s very understanding but still, it hard. This is the very first time since my kids have been born that we have not been able to pull something off. Granted, it might have been much, but something at least. I am gonna bake her a cake and make her a card but thats it. I thought about giving her a piece of my jewerly–but, I dont wanna hurt hubbys feelings as he’s the one that has bought that stuff. I rarely wear anything and some of that stuff has never even seen daylight. I dont know, its an idea.

Now, my hubby has two of his sisters coming in for Brittneys day–and my house is a  wreck. Too  much time at the hospital and not enough time at home cleaning. I was busy running errands yesteriday and today–I’ve done some. Not the over all scrubbing that it needs and I know my mood plays into that a lot. Knowing that they are coming, I feel my house should be scrubbed down…oh well.

Anyway, i’m ok…just a case of being a bit sad. I wont let it show tomarrow though. I dont want to hamper Britts day tomarrow.

Diet wise, I feel i’m doing ok. Still no candy or anything like that. I have no  idea what that scale is gonna say. I havent worried about it all week for a change. More like…ok, now…put one foot in front of the other and take it step by step. PMS is probably gonna show up tonight or in the next couple of days. I do know that some jeans I got out of the closet and I thought, man, I dont wanna wear these as they were snug in the waist…they are not any more–loose now. I walk around pulling those up like I do my over sized jeans. But, who knows what that scale will say. To be honest, I dont really care. To me, its more important to just keep things going–eat meals, no candy, get my workouts in and so down the list. Now, during pms I will allow myself chocolate if I need it. I cut sugar back out of my diet as it was throwing me for a loop…eat a little and crave more. That’s part of the reason I dont want to even start it. Yet, I know that without a bit of chocolate and pms—I can get downright pissed off at the whole world and throw a real bitch fit. So, I’ll just see i cant do without it, if not–I’ll allow two.

Anyway, got more work to do. I just wanna let this out. Good night buddies.

Hey guys!! How are you guys doing??

Well, lets see–hubby is home! Yay! Of course, he has doctors appointment tomarrow but thats ok. Deal with things as they come. At least now he has a full bottle of pain killers–maybe I can steal one for my knee if I need it lol.

As some of you may know, worked on staying steady this time through hubby’s hospitalization. I made it through with No candy!! I did have a soda today but it wasnt from that frantic feeling of wanting to eat and binge. I was just thirsty–I hate it when the coke machines run out of water! Oh well. So, I feel like i’ve done well though and that is something that i’ve shown myself that I have a choice in doing good or bad during stressful times. Hunger issues today–running late with lunch and boy, I got so hungry–I thought my steering wheel was looking damn tasty. Lucky for me, still had the bags in my truck from the hospital so I was able to get a granola bar. I dont usually get that way if a meal is late.

The only draw back is that this hospital stay and stress affects me even if I try not to let it by affecting my sleeping. Uhh. My bed looked like I played twister in it lol. Then, my eyes will pop open in the wee hours of the morning and say–time to get up and I look at my alarm–oh hell no! I’m stubborn and laid there for hours hoping to go back to sleep. Done that quite a bit this week. I ran errands today after hubby got out of the hospital and after I fixed lunch and ran more errands–came home and I sat on the couch–boom, I was out. I woke up a few minutes later thanks to my son being loud. However, I went and laid down for a nap—surprisingly, no one pestered me wanting to know what and when supper was. Both my kids fixed their own dinner tonight. (At 18 -come friday and almost 20) these are not little kids lol.

I realized the other day, that my 1 yr annv for buddyslim had come and gone. I have no clue if I made my goal of losing 4 more lbs to hit the 60 lb loss mark. I havent seen the scale since last week. I was hoping to write a blog about where I was and where i’m at now. Kind of compare the two–oh well. However, without a doubt-you guys have made all the difference in the world to me. Without the love, support, and yeah-even tough love–there were things I would have never caught onto or thought about–I would have quit a long time ago.  There has been more conflict lately then normal for here–yet, I look at it like growing pains and I dont get involved in them except to offer support.  I wish that I could show you guys what you have come to mean to me and what you have done for me. This is life-changing. By me needing support and being willing to open my heart and mind to others–I let you guys in and you guys have brought so much to my life. So, a lot of times, I sign off with an “i love you guys” I really and truely mean it. I am a buddyslimmer for life (god willing). I will shout the praises of the people here out loud for anyone and everyone to see–cause i know without a doubt–you guys are the best!!

Thats right, I had another good day. Some of you read that I was determined not to let this hospital stay (for hubby) get to me like I did last time. (8 lbs worth-ouch). So, day 1 was good. By that, I mean no candy, or sodas…no skipping meals and I got my workouts in. Day 2 was too. The only thing I have left to do today is workout and I will as soon as I get off here.  PMS may make me show a gain, but it will not show a gain cause I let stress be an excuse to pig out!!

Little hint for those that like protein bars, 20 grams of protein, but high in sugar and calories-(may not be by your count but by mine it is)- snickers makes a really good tasting one and they are about twice as big as most of them. Thanks to the lady that I saw in the store today for telling me that they are one of the best tasting ones!

I am home from the hospital early. We are having some really bad storms here. Lots of heavy rains, lightning and thunder & black skies. I can actually hear these thunders–normally I cant. I hate storms like this. I have to laugh though cause my nutty dog Chance is out there chasing the rain trying to bite it and chasing the thunder when it rolls out lol.

Good news, hubby might get to come home tomarrow!! Yeah baby! I have been worried. He said that no matter what, that he would be at our daughters graduation on friday (her 18th birthday that day too). Now, if he gets released tomarrow, I dont have to worry about it. Now, if pms will just hold off a few days like monday instead of this friday or the weekend! Sadly, I had to tell my daughter there was no way to come up with money/gifts for those things. I’ve tried saving it but with all the expenses and treatments he’s (hubby) has had lately and no work—we are so broke. I told her this morning, and she was like…I know. Like, no big deal. She knows how we are struggling. Made me feel even guiltier. As fast as I can, she will get a nice birthday/graduation gift. Bless her, she’s a great kid.

Anyway, I feel so behind on everyone. Not logging on and checking blogs and I feel like i’m way behind! I will catch up as soon as I can guys. Never doubt though, you guys are always in my thoughts!  love ya guys!!

Hey guys,

just stopping in real fast, its late and I just got home from the hospital. Hubby is ok, doing the about like normal during these hospital stays. As for me, feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I made no secret of the fact that during the last stay he had, I gained 8 lbs eating whatever and however much I wanted, candy and sodas and just extra meals. Well, today was day 1, and no candy and no sodas!! I had meals and I did miss one snack but thats ok. Anyway, today feels like a victory in that regards. I am determined NOT to do the same as I did last time! I have had nothing but water, herbal tea and one glass of regular tea.  I did think about chocolate a couple of times but that is as far as it goes.

Little bit of humor today. You know, those abcesses are cut, and then cleaned and packed. Well, this one is on the groin area. (bad I know). We were sitting there playing cards and the bandages and all that makes a heck of a bulge in his pjs. I looked at him and told, baby when you leave the hospital, your gonna have to be careful–he looked at me puzzled. I told him, well baby…after all …your really PACKING now–I got so tickled!! I still think its funny!!

Oh, on the victory for today bit—by 7 am I had my workout done-lower body!! Whooohooo! Didnt get to take Chance for a walk as we got hit with some storms today.

Anyway, i’m hanging in there for today guys. Now, pms is gonna be here sometime at the end of the week and I KNOW that spells emotional trouble for me. Combine that with my daughters 18th birthday, graduation, and having  hubbys sisters down (one from Missouri, one from Dallas) and hospital –oh lord, help me not to be a basket case. Plus, my daughter will leave Sunday for new mexico where she is moving in with her cousin–bare with me guys–gonna try to ride it out nice and easy but I may seriously need help!

Some of ya read my last blog, well, it happened. I took hubby to the ER and of course, they admitted him. I knew they would. Doctor was like, just for over-night. Sure, just like last time was for a day or 2. I was so pissed off earlier. Now, my shoulders are slumped and i’ve got depression clawing at me. Been that way almost all day. Now, all I wanna do is eat. Yeah, that’s gonna help. Let’s make me sick to my stomach while i’m at it. Hell, gain another 8 lbs like I did last time. There is still enough fight in me to say hell no to doing that again. I refused to turn to candy and sodas and junk this time. I’m bracing myself for what I know is coming though. I just hope he gets out in time to see our daughter graduate and turn 18 on friday. I wont hold my breath on that one though. That’s really gonna upset him if he misses that. Well, all I can do is hope for the best. Anyway, its really not all that late, but today has been one of those forever days as I knew what was coming. I’m gonna go lift some weights in the hopes I will sleep tonight.

Thanks guys–once again you guys stand behind me in support and love. You guys are one of the few things that stands between me and being over 300 lbs right now during these times when it seems we just cant catch a break. Love ya!

DAMN IT!!! I just want to scream and rant and rave!!

Some of you know that hubby just got out of the hospital about 2 weeks ago for a staph infection. Well, he showed me this spot on his groin area yesteriday. Since this the 3rd time around, we knew to go ahead and start his antibotics last night. However, this morning, that spot has grown 3 x times the size it was yesteriday. Trying to get him to go to the ER. With the holidays, no doctors office will be open til tuesday. I’m not upset, I’m freaking mad as hell. Not at hubby, just at fate/karma or whatever the crap you wanna call it. Its not just the staph infection, with it each time he gets this skin infection that makes it red and hot too–some long name to it. So, looks like we are in for it again. DAMN IT! I know hubby is putting off what will come about. Just taking the antibotics has never worked for him–he will be right back in that hospital. I wanna go ahead and get it over with and take him to the ER. These things are so very painful and this one in the groin area. My poor baby. Anyway, i’m out of here—gonna go for a long walk as soon as I get off of here. Bangs head on wall. DAMN!!

Holy Cow!!! I’m gonna do it–the date has been set and I’m printing out the advertising. OMG—I’m bouncing with excitement and scared to death all at one time. Oh, guess I better tell ya what i’m doing huh. lmao! I’m hosting a weight loss challenge in my town. I’m getting things together now. My goal is to get 5 people to join. It may not sound like much but I really prefer a small class to start. Its pretty cool, there is an entry fee but that money goes towards the prizes that the biggest losers win. I’m gonna be studing like mad. I have to remember that its ok to make a mistake–not let it be the end of the world. I’m probably gonna be writing a lot about this–I’m bouncing like this now just wait til it gets closer to time lmao. My date to start the class is June 9th. Ohhh so close. Deep breath, I can do this. HOLY COW!!  Want to run screaming into the night from the nerves lmao.