somemansdream

Well, like I said in my earlier post, here we are with round 4 of another staph infection. 2 for each one-my daughter and 2 my hubby.  From the time he went to the doctor today til this evening, its gotten bigger. Of course,  I know that even though he started meds today…it takes time to get in there and work. I’m just glad that he will be seeing his doctor tomarrow. I figure they will cut it and drain it tomarrow. I guess this means that I will have to learn to clean and pack it this time.  He is hurting today and I sure do feel for him. I expect it to be worse tomarrow.

Since I write about just about everything–so many of you know that we sure have been hit kind of hard lately. I have my own little weight challenge demons that i’m facing. Financial problems like so many. Stacy-my sister’s niece tried to commit suicide-last I heard on her they were gonna commit her in a hospital but dont know if they actual did or not. We had a family member come up missing-who was later found safe. My daughter just got over a staph infection not to long ago. My sister told me she had cancer-still not sure if that is true or not but apparently her surgery for her hysterictomy (spelled wrong i know) is coming up on the 6th. The waves are still coming in.

Some of you know that i’ve been doing a lot of reading and found some things to help me and keep me steady through all this. Really, all you can do is tackle the problem that is in front of you and keep going. I joked earlier to Kama about what doesnt kill us makes us stronger-but there is some truth in that. The thing is, I’m doing my best to stay steady and calm. Now, pms is gonna be knocking on my door soon and I make no promises there lol.

Facing food demons today. Hubby wanted me to fix something for lunch. I fixed what he wanted and he picked something I  used to do all the time–one of my favorite pig out foods-meat and gravy over french fries. Yes, its as bad as it sounds. I cooked it for him and then had my pie for lunch. Pigging out will only make things worse physically and mentally. I dont know if I will be this strong tomarrow but I was strong today and that what counts. I will deal with tomarrow as it comes at me. I guess thats what my message is today. Life may been trying to run you down–but that dont mean you have to stand there and take it–MOVE out of the way. So, buddies…take care of yourselves today ok. There are many people that care and love ya and one of those is me.

God, I sure hope this isnt a case of here we go again. Hubby woke up this morning with a swelling under his arm bigger then my hand. I am hoping its something minor and not another staph infection!! He has a doctors appointment at 9:30.  If it is, this makes round 4 for us….2 for my daughter and this will be his 2nd one too. These have been major events as these infections just go wild so fast. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

You know, I started with buddyslim about a year ago. I thought, what in the world am I gonna write about?? I lead such a boring life. Well, now I want my little life back. Lately, Its been one drama after another -either with us-or with my family. Anyone say–enough already?

Anyway, gotta get off of here so I can get ready for hubby doc appointment…wish us luck.

Just letting you guys know i’m still alive, just been sick. My cough was getting worse til it got to the point were I was wheezing so I got some medicine out. Anyone say “drugged “.  I spent sunday and monday in bed thanks to this medicine. I told hubby last night…gonna let my dose for last night be it and see what my body does. Well, thats fine. But, I was awake in the middle of the night cause my body hurt so bad. I dont know if its the sleeping I was doing….from being sick or what. God, I hurt. Especially my legs. Anyway, I’ll live.

This weekend is my 20th anv…(saturday ) and i’ve been sick and pms is supposed to show up too–this sucks. Anyway, enough whining. Talk to you guys later when i’m feeling a little bit better.

Hey guys, are you guys having an awesome saturday?? I sure hope so!

Ok, I’m gonna talk about hubby before I talk about me today. Now, remember hubbys last job…the one were he got so mad finally that he picked up a rock and nailed the boss right between the eyes as he wasnt in punching distance on the day he quit. Well, remember his friend that got him the job in the first place?? The one I fought tooth and nail on hubby going to work there.

Ok, you guys remember all that? lol. Well, every now and then that so called friend of his will call. I’m like why?? But anyway. So, today I come home and hubby is on the phone. He was pacing outside my computer room door and boy he was letting someone have it. I was thinking….who in the world is he talking to like that?? He wasnt even trying to be nice about the stuff he was saying and boy that person was getting an ear full let me tell ya!!! After he hung up, I was like….who was that? Kirk, that so called friend of his lmao!!! He was blasting that guy…I told him….I’m surprised he didnt hang up on you lol.  Every thing that my hubby has spent months trying to get this guy to understand, well this friend is learning a very hard lesson because its all coming true. Ha ha!!  Anyway, he told my hubby…please stay in touch…..I really need you and want you back out here when things pick back up in the oil field. I just shook my head when hubby told me that. I just had to share this though because finally….finally…this guy is getting the message …including the butt chewing hubby was giving him. I’m Loving it!!!! lol

Also hubby is being really good. He is working around the house getting things fixed. YAY!!  I know have a back screen door–poor Chance (my pup) will have to be invited in instead of walking in just whenever he wants. He was trained to stay out unless invited but sure has been getting in lots of trouble over that.  I have a screen on my kitchen window too. Plus, get this…he’s working on our bathroom tonight too!! Heck yeah!! See when our son moved out on his own….we took his bedroom and made it into a big bathroom. Well, all the painting and plumbing and everything was done…decorating too….but for one minor detail. Our jazz. bath was never enclosed–completely functionable…it just needs that one deal done. Yay–hubby is getting it done now.

Now my turn lol. Pilates…now, me and pilates have a history. A while back..When I was 306 lbs and very out of shape…I decide that was enough and started working out and doing it 3 times harder then I am now. Well, I decided since everyone thought  pilates is great-why not try it. Well, I bought one of those dvds and tried it out. I was too fat to do it! So, I ditched it.  So fast forward to now. Well, its getting hot…bikini season soon (no worries–you wont catch me in one lol) but everyone was talking about wanting sexy bellies. You have my attention!! Of course, the name of pilates came up. Aww man. I’m too fat!! Well, our sweet little miss Nancy was like…noooo you cant be too fat for pilates…try it again. So, off I went to walmart…I’m thinking beginners anyone lol. Well, as luck would have it–1 little dvd for pilates–and its not looking like a beginners either lol. Ok, so it came home with me. I did two sections yesteriday-lower body and abs. Then today I did the full body section. These are some tough workout guys!!!  I’m so feeling it…especially in my thighs—who would have thought…full body would workout my lower half too–apparently I wasnt connecting the dots too good when I made that decision lol. I just wonder what else it has in store for me. lol. My 5 yr old niece was watching todays workout. She decided to get on the floor and do one of the exercises too—it was over and she was like…”that was HARD” lol  Yeah, I’m getting that idea too lol. One thing about it…I can really see why these workouts will strenghten the body!!!

Well, once again it seemed like an easy day with the new changes I made-I’m loving it!! If nothing else the peace of mind this is giving me is awesome!

Goodnight guys!! Sweet dreams!

You know, I just wish I could meet each and every one of you guys in person and give you the biggest hug ever. You guys really know the meaning behind friendship. I’m so very blessed!

No matter the differences between each of us–what bonds us together is stronger then anything, and thats friendship.

Today was day 1 of no stressing. I deliberately made a food that is something that I binge on–facing the devil so to speak. However, I got smart this time, I made this little pot of it instead of this monster sized pot that I normally make. Ha ha–so even if I wanted to–it wouldnt be a real full out binge….take that chicken and dumplings!! Anyway,…as soon as I got out a real bowl–not the ones marked 1 cup….I told myself…no worries, just enjoy and boy did I lol.  

My plan is to be sensible. Keep up with the workouts….just got a pilates dvd that i’m learning to do. My idea is to keep working on endurance, toning and strenghting my body.  I also drink water or tea (herbal) all day so thats not a worry. And on in that fashion of taking care of me.

I guess basically what i’m doing is ditching that scale. (except my required weigh in for the wildcats). I’m not going hog wild here on  the food…but neither am I going to count calories or listen to that little nag saying…..do you have any ideas how many calories that has and on and on. I will eat til i’m full and thats it. My “calorie counter” will be my tummy saying…ok, i’m full, thank you. I’m shoving all those negatives off of my shoulders. I have to say, the idea of “no worries” sure made me smile today!!!  I’ll keep you guys informed on how i’m doing as this goes on!

Sighs. The scale and I seem to be locked in this battle–he is trying to drive me crazy. Last week, I have either added workouts or doing extra work–yard work, tearing up my floor in the kitchen (today) etc –and all this seems to have an adverse affect on the scale. I saw that all time low of 240 lbs for probably one day. This week, that scale has said as high as 249 lbs! So, all week, when I have wanted to skip a meal…nope, not gonna do it..thats bad. When I wanted something….nope…dont need it…not planned..and on and on. So, I stepped on that scale to do a check and when I saw the numbers, I could feel my shoulders just sag. Tears filled my eyes, even now.

It feels like this whole thing is just dragging me down. Its always in my head–calories, food, salt, water..and the freaking list goes on and on. Then, I wonder why I’m so stressed and not happy. (besides financial problems and all the drama with my family). I laid in bed thinking about this & finally just came in here to write.  I’d almost rather give this up and go back to my old ways–its a double sided knife….one way- I hated the way I looked, starting to have health problems at my highest weight…..yet, my entire life didnt revolve around this battle.  I’m not willing to let those 50 plus pounds come back. I want the rest of these pounds off. The deal is…they say this isnt even the hardest part—that getting rid of those last 10 lbs or whatever will be and then maintaining. Shakes head.

Like I said, all these thoughts were revolving in my head. I think I have to give this up guys. Dont panic–I’m not quitting. What i’m giving up is the stress of all this.  That scale is going in the closet and staying except on fridays when I do the weigh in for the wildcats. No more peeking or midweek weigh ins. If I gain, no more stressing and trying to figure out how to get this off and going into that mode of watching everything I do like a hawk. Its not worth it to me. I’m gonna keep doing either my workouts or extra work on a regular basis. I’ll keep drinking my water and tea. What I guess i’m trying to say is that i’m gonna keep an eye on myself in a different way. No more counting out the crackers, or measuring my meats to get just the “right” ounces. I’ll sit down, enjoy my meal…eat til I’ve had enough–not stuffed…not hungry. You know, I’m gaining doing what i’m doing when I’m trying to do good—so if I gain doing this–at least it wont send me spiraling down in a hole that seems impossible to get out of. Now, this is gonna be a challenge for me—I’m like a dog with a bone–I’ll worry it to death. Something has to give though. So, every day is gonna have to be one where I remind myself of my new way–do what needs to be done and no worries. Want a little something–go ahead–ditch those thoughts of how many calories and if it fits into my day etc.

I’m really hoping this will help me…if not physically, then mentally. If this doesnt work–not sure what I’ll do. These last few months just about have buried me emotionally. Deep breath. If nothing else…this new mentality will be a much needed break.  I fall, and pick myself up–my greatest fear is that i’m gonna say screw this–i’m exhausted mentally, and I just dont wanna this any more and end my weight loss battles for good.  I’m praying this will be the answer to my prayers—ditching the stress, & the scale etc. I’m hoping freedom will bring back my peace of mind and some happiness.

I know there will be days I get sucked back into the old mode—on a weigh in day–gain a lb or two and I wig out. So, in here and in my kitchen, I’ll be posting signs as a reminder. Some where, there has to be an answer to living a more peaceable life with food and the scale etc—i’m tired already (and its been almost a year) and I cant see me locked into this battle for life. I’m 40 now, and have enough things to face without this war going on in my head and in my heart.

My hubby is a nut. Last night we were laying in bed and as he was climbing in…he was grunting and groaning. He tells me…yeah, i’m an old man baby. I make old man noises when I come to bed. As I was reaching for the light..i was making noises. He’s like yeah baby, and you make old woman noises–”not tonight dear…i’ve got a headache!” Smack! lol.  He always says stuff like this.

It got me to thinking. Usually when we get together with family or friends, you know we tend to tell funny stories about things that have  happened. Just to make everyone laugh. So, that’s what I wanna do today. Tell stories with you guys. I hope you will  join me by sharing a funny story that  you have.

The baby.

Now when my sister was in high school, she was young looking and very small. She had a class the required her to carry this doll. Now, this doll is computerized and it will tell the teacher how long the baby cried and if it was abused and on and on. Well, we had made plans to go to the movies the day she got it. She didnt have anyone to “babysit” so we took it with us. Now, this is a realistic looking baby, its got a real carseat and diaper bag and whole nine yards. So, we go to the movies, after getting our tickets we went to find our seats. There was a group of teenage girls and boy, they gave my sister the dirtiest looks-looking at her like she’s the biggest slut ever lol! I got a laugh out of that. Well, during the movies, the baby was crying and my sister decided she needed to go to the bathroom anyway. So, we go in there…she sits the carseat by me…and gets to the stall..and the baby cries. So, she picks the baby up, she quits  crying. So, she put her back down, reaches the stall…and of course the baby starts crying again. This goes on about 4 times. I was laughing so hard–cause she really had to go. She finally ended up taking the baby in there with her and doing her business. So, after the movies…we are hungry. We decide to go to the truckstop. We have blessed peace on the drive over there. I get to the parking lot and hit a pothole hard…and that baby starts crying and crying again. So, when we get her out of the truck–with all her stuff–she finally quietens down. So, we go inside and sit down. We placed our order and I noticed this guy just staring and staring at the baby. (she’s in the carseat on the floor beside us). Well, this guy noticed that i’m looking at him and he tells me…..”you know, i’ve been looking at that baby for the last 15 minutes and do you know she never has blinked once!!!” OMG!!! I’m laughing so hard…I had to put my head down as tears ran down my face as my sister explains that its a doll. The guy was amazed–he just knew she was real. To this day she still remembers all this!! It was a bad night for her but filled with many laughs for me!

Now, I would love it if you have a funny story to share!

Just in case I haven’t  said it lately–I sure do love you guys!!  Ya’ll are just so awesome, and i’m so blessed to call you guys my friends! Ok, enough mushy stuff. lol

I’m still a little sick, feeling a little better. My poor nose is still taking some abuse. Throat is still sore but not real bad. I’m gonna treat my sore throat at lunch time. I’m gonna put extra ice in my shake to make it like a milkshake. That will be so good!! Make my throat happy!

Hubby and I had a talk last night. That we needed to really get off our butts and start taking this weight loss more serious. Some of you might remember I have written in a few times about him eating and eating. Personally, I havent been following the plan just great either. So, we are starting again and that really makes me happy! Its hard to do something with a partner and then one of them eats and eats…makes ya wanna rebel too lol. Which I have.

Other news, ya’ll might remember me writing in about my older sister shirley…saying she has cancer. I dont know if thats a truth or lie still. However, supposedly on the 6th of next month she is gonna have a hysterectomy done. She is paying my way so I can be there. I know she’s had some problems-she told me from cysts too….but anyway. If she can spare the money, I will go up there for the surgery. A lot of times for stuff like this, she will say it was cancelled due to this or that. I do know she does need something done…she has pms about 3 or 4 times a month…a few days here…then off a day….more  etc.

Work related….hubby might be able to get a raise. There is a woman that helps his boss manage his property and she said what my hubby was getting paid was just way too low. She said she is gonna try to get him a raise so he doesnt go somewhere else. Then, My sister called last night, and a guy was asking if my hubby was still out of work. They need toolpushers with his company–its a new company. So, my sister called to see if we would be interested.  Well, yeah. lol So, hopefully, sometime this week, this guy should be calling us. I told hubby, that if he did go back to pushing tools for an oil company–he better be prepared to do things differently this time money wise. His deal is lets spend it…i’ve worked hard all these years for it and i’m gonna enjoy it. Mine is…lets save some of it lol. So, I think he finally understands with all we have gone through what I was talking about. There is a way to enjoy having stuff without burdening us with so much debt. I hate debt. I hope he gets a another tool pushing job to be honest. Having that money will enble us to push our business a lot faster. I almost laughed when he agreed to do things differently this time. Bless him, its not just been hard on me…but him as well. My biggest fear with where he is working is that the guy will pass away–i’m not being rude…but he’s really old and he’s been sick lately. That would mean no income for us again. I hope he lives for a long time yet…but gotta be realistic too. No matter how I say that, it just sounds rude.

Ok, finally subject. Sorry this is so long guys. Now, some of you know i’ve been doing lots of reading and searching and wondering how in the hell to do all this and still have time to enjoy life. I also wrote in about how I was letting things get to me in such an extent it was changing what used to be a fun-loving personality. I refer to it as my little devil. I was reading this book today, and I almost cried. It talked about what do people around us (in my case, me) miss about us. I miss my devil!!!! It talks about getting that back again. I was like…that was it…this is what i’ve been talking about–searching for. Anyway, I told hubby that I really need to buy this book–checked it out at the library and already had it a month. I just feel like this isnt something I need to read, but to study as well. So, I bought a copy of this book–thanks to amazon.com–shipping and all was less then $10. YES!! I feel this book really hits home with me right now. In case anyone is wondering it is…..The Other 90% by Robert Cooper.  I cant wait to get my own copy of it.

Anyway, enough of my rambling–much love guys!!

This is an emotional journey–I dont have the kind of focus that is required to be able to ditch those emotions-I sure wished I did! That scale has been creeping up and up–and I’m like everyone else…eventually I think…why bother. Lately, I have read some blogs that nailed me right in the heart–because those are blogs I could have written myself.  It hurts to think that others are suffering too with the same doubts, hurts and all this emotional baggage. It seems like it threatens to drown us sometimes. I wonder if this is gonna be a lifetime struggle–that i’m gonna have to walk this line for the rest of my life. That seems a little overwhelming.

You ever hear the expression–cant see for the forest for the trees?? I can understand that. I get so locked down on the scale or trying to get my meals in–worrying about the portions….and the list goes on and on. Plus, the weight loss stuff–like so many of us–lots of other stuff that needs to be done, but, hands down the weight loss and all its troubles take up a majority of my time. Its always in my head. Then, with all this, eventually I either get depressed or I come out fighting–pissed off cause the scale wont play nice with me.

I already figure out that it is supposed to be about balance–yet, its not actually happening.  My house stays a mess, the laundry is never done and I havent even got to spend any real time with my nieces. I stopped by the other day to take my mom some cigs, and rachael lifted her arms to be picked up and stayed right there in my arms the entire time…patting me on the back with her little hand. I felt so guilty–those kids miss me and yet, i’m not making time for them.

Then there is hubby. Dont get me wrong, I love him–come May we will have been married 20 years and together 21 yrs. If I am quiet and dont say anything…whats wrong or you have an attitude lady. Or like yesteriday, I was just looking at him, listening to him talk and he was like, fine–i’ll go to a hotel and stay til you miss me. I told him, at least wait til I say something before you growl at me. According to him, all I do is growl and stuff at him. According to me, why dont you just let me be and quit saying those type of things cause eventually he will make me mad. Some days, I can laugh it off and some days I wanna choke him. I know part of the problem is i’m spoiled and used to having my week alone–and now he’s home all the time. Well, he works during the day, but here in town so I get these phone calls–honey can you do this or that. It got to be a real sore point with me. Cause no matter what, (and we talked about this ) it boils down to –its easier for me to do errands and fetch for him then it is for him. Only for him though.

Now, most of you guys know that we have started our own business. But, in order to do it, you have to be on the products. End of story. I just feel like hubby isnt putting any effort into it. He will skip the meals. He eats and eats at night. Then, I decided to eat a pork chop out of time yesteriday and he was like…your not supposed to have that…I know he was playing with me…trying to make me laugh–but, I closed the computer room door and cried. Dont know why but even recounting this is making me cry now.  He’s also not do any training. He’s not making any attempt to do anything when he’s home but play games. I know this is his stress buster but I wish he would do something.

Anyway, emotions are very close to the top of the surface. Lots of crap thrown in here. Dont worry guys, if its sink or swim time–I’ll swim. Sometimes though, it feels like i’m lucky to tread water.

I wrote a blog last night about having a family member missing. He was found  after about 8 hours. I dont have the details right now but i’ll update you guys later. I just wanted you guys to know that I deeply appreciate the prayers!! I know his wife was so scared and I just wonder if she beat  him black and blue for scaring her that way lol. Kiss, beat him with a stick,…more kisses and hugs…beat him again  is what I would do lol.