somemansdream

That’s pretty much what happen. Still crying. I’m trying to get a grip here. Look, if you dont want to read any farther I’ll understand. This is not pretty to say the least.

Some of you might remember that here while back I wrote about my son stealing from us. Not for the first time either. Well, after he left last time, he came back home. Well, today Brandy(hubby) told our son, you steal one more thing from us and you will go to jail. Not in a nasty voice or anything…just stating a fact. I dont blame him a bit, he lost a lot of stuff. So, as we were cleaning and stuff…I noticed JC in the kitchen, shoulders slumped, staring at the cabinet…asked him what was wrong. He said nothing and went into the bathroom. So, after a bit, I went in there and told him to finish his job of putting the dishes up…waiting and went back when he never came out. So, I thought maybe him and his girlfriend broke up. Nope he was mad at his dad. Still denying that he stole anything. Yet, we only have these problems when he is home. Anyway, the gist of it he told me he hated his dad and was packing up again. All this time, I was calm and matter of fact when I talked to him. While he was packing….I thought …he needs to know the truth. So, I went in there and told him. You know, everything we have done for him….from buying his first car when he was 18 to this last one that we bought last month….I didnt do it. I didnt want to. I felt he didnt deserve it. Yet, I let Brandy talk me into it. I wasnt happy one bit.  That kid put me though 4 years of hell…why would I want to do something like that. It was all his dad’s doing…the very one he says he hates. So, I let him push my buttons–he told me this is a house, but never a home and that really hurt. After all the things we’ve done and all the love we’ve shown him….from saying I love you, to helping him through hard times….that is what I get.  That made me mad…I exploded….I told him all the things I felt and thought and never said cause I didnt want to hurt his feelings. The gloves came off.  After I was done, I told him to do whatever he felt he needed to do….it was done.  Then, I ran outside and cried my broken heart like i’m doing now.  I’m so tired of crying over him-our son.  He’s just gonna have to hate his father if he wants to. He can blame me…whatever. I’m tired of the drama, and I’m tired of getting kicked in the teeth every time we try to help him. Nothing seems to be sacred to our son.  Whatever happens, by god, we have tried our damnest to raise him with love and to be good parents…thats not enough, I dont know what to tell him.  Its time for him to grow up. If he doesnt concider this a home, then he doesnt need to be here…he’s just using us because he has no where else to go.  He didnt grow up like I did, and he didnt grow up like his dad either….we have tried to make a good life for all of us. I guess thats not good enough for him. So be it. So, now its time to get these tears under control.  I’m hurt, but I’ll be ok.  There is nothing like a child to break your heart.

Good morning guys,

Well, look at this…March is headed our way. For Feb, over a two week period, I gained 3 lbs. Ended this month with those extra pounds still here as I maintained for this weeks weigh in. Of course, I would have loved to say I lost something this month but due to my actions, it didnt happen. My fault absolutely.

You know, its times like these-when so much is coming at me-that sometimes I let common sense be over ruled by other things.  My portion control went out the window when I made chicken and dumplings. I knew I was facing danger when I made it. My excuse was I am trying to stretch our food as far as possible.  So, instead of using the regular bowls I normally do….my little 1 cup size…I used regular bowls which hold a lot more let me tell ya.  I have also been eating a little of this and a little of that.  Now, the way I look at it….I can keep doing this. Or, I can let March be a new start for me.  My 3 lbs can turn into 5, then 10…and up we go.  Talk about literally eating your fears, and thats what i’ve tried to do….it dont work! 

To top it off, this is gonna sound like a spoiled brat, but guys…hubby is home ALL the time. I am used to him being gone and now he’s under my feet all day long.  PMS is right around the corner for me….and hubby thinks he’s funny when he makes comments.  Oh this is gonna be fun….between him here all the time and me with pms soon….ohhhh…rough waters.  Lord, help me not to kill him, its not his fault he’s a man and clueless.  Brace yourselves…I know when pms comes…i’ll be in here venting…ranting and raving like a mad woman. lol

Tonight, we are going out to my parents house to play a game. Its a poker type game called love thy neighbor. Play it with 5 dimes and its fun and frustrating lol. I just wanted something to get us out of the house for a bit without costing a lot. Made my dad and mom both happy when I suggested it…we havent done this in forever!  We were also planning a bbq today, but dont know…freaking wind is blowing. My son wants to bring his girlfriend over for one-he’s been bragging about his dad’s bbq.  We also have one of my nieces here…she drove down from New Mexico-her and my daughter are really close. I am looking forward to some fun today, even if I do have some work that needs to be done.

Remember guys when I told you I was looking for things online to do. Well, it hit me the other day…OMG…by time I get my business package, I’m probably only gonna have a few days before my website is up and running. That is scary!! Tempted to run around like a chicken…screaming…what do I do? What do I do???  Deep breath, I know though that I can buckle down and do some reading and learning fast when I need too…but its still scary you know! I also have to come up with a name and I’m so clueless lol. My hands are shaking at the thought of all this.  Deep breaths, deep breaths….

Any way guys, just some thoughts running through my head. I really have to get busy! I hope each of you have a great day!!!

Good morning guys,

First let me say, I missed ya. I didnt get to spend much time on the computer as I was cleaning my house yesteriday.  Then, I got my 3 nieces from early afternoon til 7. Ages 1,3, & 5 and they kept me hopping. I was so tired last night lol. I did earn $90 though.

I got quite a few notes to double check with my doctor on my chest.  Get further testing. The other day, I did 90 minutes of walking in the evening and wheezed til at least bedtime. Hubby was pretty upset. Wanted to call our doc yesteriday but, their offices are closed til Monday. Unless some happens, I dont want to go back to the doctor, especially for a bunch of tests. Most of you know he’s not working now-and i’m trying to guard every penny like i’m its momma.  I’m not stupid though, if I feel like somethings gone wrong…I’ll do something about it.  Dont worry guys, i’ll be ok. Right now, it seems those nexium pills have taken some ofthe heat off my chest…still pressure–maybe doc knew more then me after all lol.

Now, like I said…most of you guys know hubby’s out of a job. We were doing some talking yesteriday. He’s not finding anything-few jobs locally for different things. Making a fraction of what he was.  We saved most of his last paycheck and he has a partial coming to us. So, we are looking at some hard times.  I dont care if we lose a few things, but I just dont want to lose our house, & as long as we have the basics…thats ok. So, in order to help out, I’m looking for things I can do on internet. Being half deaf with no hearing aides puts me aside for any “real” jobs. I would miss to many things. Buying some right now is not even a thought lol. I found a couple of things online the other day. Both in good stand with the BBB. Like told hubby, willing to do whatever, I’m just not gonna shell out money for information. One of them, hubby told me he was willing to help with-cool. If these dont pan out, I’ll keep looking. Figure out some way to cover our basics, (hubby part time job and me helping) hubby probably really needs to go to school. Obama is wanting to go green. So, at least for the next 4 years, not looking for the oil industry to do much-my opinion. Good news is, if we can figure it out…and hubby can go back to school….what he’s going for -he already has knowledge in it-of course he doesnt know it all but lots…and no little piece of paper saying that hes got the degree.  Anyway, what I’m hoping for is that yeah, we are facing some hard times but that in the end the changes will be made will be for the best. I’ve been doing a lot of praying that God will guide us in the direction that we need to go.

I know this blog is long but yesteriday with my nieces…I heard the cutest thing.  The youngest (1 yr old) was playing ball in my kitchen with her sister, the 3 yr old. Rolling it back and forth. Well, the 1 yr old, each time the ball was rolled to her, she was say “thank you” and then when she got ready to roll it back, she would ask her sister, “ready? 1, 2, 3″ and she would roll the ball back. So cute cause it was unexpected that she would be so polite lol.  I also didnt expect her to be counting and using it right. lol.  Kids, they make us laugh.

Speaking of kids, my son is back at home. Even though he had the money, the manager of the apartments wouldnt rent to him as he had no job. Well, he now has a job. He has another car. We drove to another city and hooked up with this guy that had a car for $750. His daughter had a minor accident in it and daddy was mad, so  he was selling it. Very nice car, inside and out. I was rather shocked at its good condition. If my son doesnt take care of it, not my problem. We are done helping him with vehicles. I also told him due to circumstances, he better have enough money saved to get back and forth to work cause we do not have any money to help him. He said he did. We will see what happens. We will keep an eye on him and hopefully keep him from stealing anything else.

Oh, my weigh in for the wildcats was a maintain. I can deal with that. No exercise this week except that one walk. Whew, lol.

Ok guys take care, sorry this was so long…hope I didnt bore ya to death.  much love, debbie

Good morning guys! How are you doing out there?

Well, today I’ve decided i’m gonna scrub my nasty house down and get some organizing done. With some luck, I’ll be able to take a nice walk…guys its been so pretty here…80’s!! Hubby can pick me up if I have any troubles and think I cant make it back home.  I’m actually gonna try to be sneaky. Maybe, if I work slow and steady today-I can get this past my chest without any problems lol. If it heats up, I noticed that it takes an hour or so to “cool ” down-sort of.  One thing about it, if it does throw a fit, i’ll be good and chill out a bit. Days like today just cry out for me to be active.  Wish me luck guys.

Now, for my message for today, for myself and everyone that can use it. You guys wanna know something. I’m learning. What is it that i’m learning?? Well, I learning you can change habits and destructive behaviors. I have mentioned time and time again how I bail on taking care of me when things go wrong. Guess what, things are bad right now, doesnt look like its gonna get much better. Yet, over the last few days….I have eaten my meals….skipped on some snacks…but stuck with my meals. I feel good about that.  I know stress is a very real thing, it can do a lot of damage…I know this. So, for me to be able to come in here and say…yeah, I ate my meals. Guys, I have been a meal skipper for more then 20 years. So, I’m really pleased that i’m not using troubles as an excuse to bail out.  And it is excuses. Lord knows i’ve used plenty of them over the years.  Everyone has things in their life that has to be done, regardless of what my be happening in our lives. One of those should be that we take care of ourselves. You dont tell your kids, hey cant feed ya cause i’m too busy or too tired.  You dont tell your pets…hey, your out of luck tonight.  I mean come on…we rank up there too. Actually, since we take care of everyone else…we should really be up there high on that list!!  So, today, no excuses ok. You know, and I know, what needs to be done today. So, its simple…Do it!

Well guys, I did go to the doc this morning. Surprised me how quick they got me in…I had like 15 minutes to get ready. Anyway, he did an EKG which turned out just fine. Figured it would, no heart problems in my history. So, he seems to think its heartburn, acid reflux or whatever. He gave me nexium-told me to take it once a day for a month and then come back and see him. He warned me though that if it gets worse, the pressure or heat..I am to trot my butt back up there. It still feels like the inflamed chest cavity to  me. Though, I do know from experience that this stuff -heartburn-can really do some funky things. Shrugs, hopefully he’s right…i’ll take these meds and it will all go away. At least if its this, it shouldnt mess up my workouts and stuff…so yay for that.  That gave my mood a bit of a boost. Crosses fingers & hope meds work. Anyway guys, i’m really tired so i’m gonna take a short nap before I head out to buy groceries…there’s some fun.

Thanks for all the love you guys have sent my way!! debbie

Hey guys, how are ya’ll doing today?

I’m doing ok today. I think i’ve kind of got my days and nights mixed up as far as sleeping. Been really restless at night-go figure on that one huh. So, yesteriday, I made up for it by sleeping til noon and then last night…I went to read after supper and crashed.  Still went to bed about 11 or so. I woke up tired this morning..another restless night. It will be ok though.  I dont sleep well on average anyway.

Well, I guess there is no hope for it. Gonna have to call the doc today for my chest. I dont want to. I havent even said anything to hubby about it.  Well, he knew when the elephant sat on my chest by the look on my face…but, I haven’t said anything about it still bothering me.  I just feel its  just one more thing to deal with and I just really want to ingore it in hopes it was gonna go away. But, its been a few days so I guess thats not happening.  I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

As most of you guys know, my weight loss lately has suck -been gaining. I’m hoping to put a stop to it this week. If my chest problem is what I think it is…there wont be any workouts for a while and thats enough to make me upset.  I need to be able to workout, try and reverse some of the damage i’ve done these last few weeks. Shakes head, sighs, I guess thats a worry for later-see what doc has to say…maybe it something else.  Time is slipping by and i’m just spinning my wheels going no where. Or actually, i’m going somewhere–backwards with these gains i’ve had. Well, I guess if it is what i’m thinking….see what i can do diet wise. I had a slim fast shake for breakfast…I use those when I dont want any food. Maybe have one for lunch too, I dont know. Or use one for supper and let lunch be my meal for the day. We will see.

Well, enough of my good cheer and wonderful humor today (yes, sarcasm).  I hope that you guys have a great day. Take care now. I’ll be around later to check on you guys. love ya, debbie

Hey guys,

Let me say first of all, thank you for all of your concern–I wasnt even thinking when I wrote that…I was just sad you know and wanted to get it out. If I have more problems I will go to the doctor….I just realized today…no job, no insurance-it will run out soon. Well, something else that sucks you know. All I can say, if this turns out to be what i’ve had before I’m gonna be soo mad.  I have had an inflamed chest cavity before…started out you know, sore enough for me to rub my chest…but it took me a while to catch on. It ended with me trying to do anything and I would be in tears….walk from my blazer to store doors…I couldnt do it.  It felt like someone laid hot steel on my chest muscles. Well, after that little deal during sex, my chest stayed sore. I was stratching and rubbing it last night. Today its still sore, starting to feel some heat it seems….no, no,no!!!! This takes sooo long to get rid of!! So, if its still like this tomarrow, gonna call doctor I guess. Catch it earlier then before. See, everyone told me that it happened because I was working out so hard. Last time, I asked doc and he said that it wasnt really known why this happens…just women more then men, and for the most part…women in there 30’s….i’m 40–shouldnt i be passed this now! Ok, I’m just bitching. I just got this feeling you know….

Other news, well hubby has no job…what I expected. So,now with things being the way they are…job hunt is on. We had our first argument over finances today because of it. I told hubby, look…now is the time to pull together…things are gonna be hard enough without us at each others throats.  So, he blew me a kiss and started talking to me again.

Well some of you guys know that our son left the house because hubby told him, to find a job and get a paycheck and get out–as our son has stolen a lot of things from us. He left right then instead. So, today our son stopped by and got that paycheck from the last job he quit….he did pay us back the money he owed us, shocker. He’s got enough money to pay who he owes and to get an apartment. He had multiple applications for jobs in his car today. This evening, I get back from town and hubby is going off about the stuff he stole again…I dont know if he found more missing or what…said he was making a list and calling the cops. I told him when all this happened it was up to him because it was his stuff that was taken. I just could feel my shoulders slump when he told me that. I was cooking supper & just stood there looking out the door-wondering how all of this was gonna end. 

One of the first things that crossed my mind was to skip supper after I learned about that. Like I said, during hard times…its either skip meals or binge. I’ve been doing this for about 20 years so I guess I shouldnt be so surprised that it popped up. Yet, I fought the urge and ate supper anyway. There are times I’m gonna be strong enough to counter things like that….I know there are gonna be times when i’m not. The thing is though, not giving up without a fight.  If I fail though, i’m gonna try to be a bit kinder to myself….no guilt, no ranting about how i lack will power or that i’m always gonna be a cow cause i wont change my ways. 

It seems everyone is facing some heavy problems. We chose how we face these problems. I know about depression, anxiety attacks & stuff like that. Yet, there are things we can do to help ourselves during these times. Its simple, wanna eat your way through it…dont be mad about that 50 lbs you gain back.  If you dont eat, plan on your body holding on to every single thing it can get and end up with a gain anyway.  I love all of you guys…as each one of us gets past problems, I hope to see each of us shining because not only did we make it through but we kept taking care of ourselves too!

I’m concerned about something. We are all adults here so i’m gonna be blunt. Hubby and I were having an afternoon of fun as we had the house to  ourselves. I cant believe what happened.  It felt like an elephant sat on my chest!!! God, I forgot how much that hurt. I’m just really kind of puzzled though as to why the elephant came and visited me. See, at my highest weight of 306 lbs, each time hubby and i would have sex, here came that elephant and hurt so much, damn near make me cry…cant breathe, cant cry. Anyway, after 3 times, it scared me enough that it set me off on a weight loss journey a couple of years ago.  Only when I’m sick do i have trouble breathing, no asthma history either. What makes me sad, concerned is here I am losing weight, working out and what…health wise i’m sliding backwards?? Probably not, it just sucks…something i’ll have to keep an eye on. (What it is, when i’m referring to an elephant on my chest is a ton of pressure on my chest…it hurts!).  Its not my heart or anything….a couple of years ago I went through a battery of  tests when I ended up in the ER due to chest pains. So, I’m not worried its that. I dont know. Just feeling a little sad and low about this. I might not be working as hard as I should but at 50 lbs gone, i’ve come along way. So, has anyone else had this happen? Any ideas?  

You know what guys, I think its time we got mad!! You heard me right.  We tend to be emotional creatures.  Yes, I do realize anger is an emotion too…but, its time to put it to work for us instead of letting other emotions keep us down.  What do I mean by this…..think about this…

If your having a hard day, or your stress….oh a little pick me up….cookies, ice cream, cake, food.  Guess what, your hard day is keeping you fat!!

When things go wrong (at least for me,) I tend to bail out on taking care of me….its emotions!!! Not logical, reasonable thinking that is doing this!!!

Even when things are good, our emotions say, hey..lets celebrate!! Sure, lets order pizza or something yummy..dessert!!

We are emotional creatures, that is one of the beautiful things about us. Yet, is is a double-edged sword….cause its also keeping us fat!!! Its giving you that muffin top above your jeans, its that roll of fat that you try to hide in your jeans.  Its that extra weight your carrying all over our bodies!!!

Its emotions again that send us down the path…oh, i’m a fat cow. I’m worthless.  I just have no will power, no self control ..why do I do this?? 

So, its time to put those suckers to use for us. Its time to get mad. Mad that our emotions control so much of our lives….you realize that dont you?? I am starting to.  How dare they!!! When did I turn into such a marshmellow that I let my emotions control my world??? I have a logical side of me that thinks….why in the hell is she rolling over and playing dead????  You know, I dont know what its gonna take….I need my logical side to be stronger.  So, this week…my focus & determination is going to be aimed at doing what has to be done, emotions aside.  I’m gonna get my workouts in, I’m gonna do good on my food.  After I get those things done for each day, then I can worry about being the emotional girl that I am. There has to be a balance, otherwise the troubles that we face bury us, literally, and its it fat!!!

Now, i’m mad, what about you??   debbie

We all face choices. It is up to each and every person to choose for themselves. Will I use today to take care of myself or will I let my emotions get the better of me, or my taste buds get the better of me and send me sliding off into indulgence. Yes, indulgence can be very nice. Yet, make sure the cost in the end doesnt outweigh what it really costs you. We make all kinds of  excuses. I’ve had a hard day, i’m stressed, i’m too busy and the list goes on. Just anything to excuse reaching for what we really want. I”m tired of the excuses. Some times it takes a cold hard look at what your doing. Do I really wonder why i’ve not been successful?? No, not at all. I’m tired of being a ball–one little stressor and i go bouncing around. Its time to make a stand. Find my center and face things headon. I gotta go through all this one way or another….thats a cold hard fact for me. Its my choice in HOW I come out of this. It really is.

When someone tells me they use exercise to relieve stress. That it is the one thing that they do control. Wow, thats great is what I think. I also think, gee wish I was like that. Like they really flipped a switch and it comes on and suddenly…they love workouts. That suddenly they stopped turning to food and use  this instead. Get real. I dont think so, though I may be wrong.  The other day the light finally came on for me on this. I had my workout interrupted–things went wrong & the very first damn thing I thought, well…i’m not eating supper or finishing my workout. Then, I got pissed & did it anyway.  So, I ate and then went into the bedroom to do the workout. I was working out and noticed I was pumping those weights fast and furious–wasnt even counting. I had music blasting in my ears. I paused, panting & sweating. As I sat there, my mind finally got it. This is the one way that you can leave your troubles and it not damage you in some way, that it is actually wonderful for me.  I did the same thing yesteriday in the kitchen. Dancing, listen to music…making sure i made the steps correctly…swinging my hips a little bit…focusing.  Now, exercise is normally something I just get through, something thats gotta be done except my dancing…that brings me joy.  I now really and truely understand. Its one thing to see the words written and you think you understand, I thought I did….I really had no clue until that moment. 

I have a lot of work ahead me.  I know that. I’m not just talking physically either. I have some things in my head that need to be worked on. My thoughts and feelings when something comes at me.  Lifts chin, eyes look fierce…I will come out of all of this and be the way I want to be…not the way I Let circumstances chose for me. My choice.