somemansdream

Ok guys….this blog is so aimed at me…but, its for anyone else that can use it as well…actually, it would be wonderful if it helps someone.

First, before I get started I want to say a welcome to all the new guys-I am not here as much as I used to be with hubby in the hospital…but you guys give me some time…i’ll find ya and welcome ya right. This place is filled with wonderful people….reach out to others…give support by making comments on blogs etc ….we will get to know ya and give love and support back tenfold.  However, know there will be days when you write and no one comments or you only get a few comments.  Dont be sad, or mad…this is for you…this is your place to vent…and to celebrate. 

Now, I was looking around here and thinking about things.  This isnt just a physical journey guys..its such a mental one too. There are going to be moments of glory….and moments that feel like defeat. Life is gonna happen-how you handle it is up to you. I am a worrier..a stresser-my own worst enemy it seems at times. It doesnt have to be this way…..I have basically choosen to let life drive me insane and make me so exhausted I cant see straight. Sitting there in that hospital today….I was thinking about these things….we forget sometimes we do have a choice in how we react.  Like I said….I headed straight for the candy…even as I was tossing them down…I was thinking…this is so wrong….guess what…I did it anyway.  Ok, well…like I said….I already put a stop to that. Yet, I left off the other things….I was still stressing and exhausted.  There is a fine line….in not caring…and caring til you drop.  You love your loved ones…in this case hubby.  Do I think he enjoys seeing me like this….he has commented quite a few times over me needing to take care of myself.  I thought….how selfish do you think I am…..then, today…as I sat there beside the hospital bed….a light finally came on….would I want hubby to do this to himself….NO absolutely not.  I dont think I was taking his caring words the right way….I was mad, upset and frustrated…cause what I wanted to do was take care of him…and here he is telling me to take care of myself.  I think I finally get it.  God i’m so hard headed sometimes.  It is not love to deprive myself over basic needs like sleep..in his name….he would be the first (he’s tried) to say….god no…dont do that.  Running myself down…stressing and fuming…..just makes him feel guilty…..he even said…he doesnt want to be the cause of the damage i’m doing to myself-falling off the wagon and just not taking care of myself.  So, yes guys…I do have a choice. My way is not neccessarily the best way…not if it hurts someone….even if that someone is myself.  I am damaging me….and hurting him too all in one step.

Stuffing myself with candy or food is not going to help me.  Neither is doing without enough sleep.  Neither is skipping meals all together.

Maybe….just maybe if I relax a bit…pamper myself a bit…I can be a better wife to him….especially a happier one. 

Now, looking forward, there are gonna be time when I want to climb the walls with stress…..stop and think….how much of this is all in my head….how much of this…am I causing??  Stop…., think …..and breath. You know what…I have always managed to make it through somehow..(thats not gonna change)….why not make it easier on myself??

You guys know what…I still have  a journey to go on. Life is gonna happen….am I gonna let it be my excuse to fall off the wagon?? To damage myself….I sure dont want it to.  I do have a choice in this….so do you guys.  Look around….some of these guys have faced soooo much more than me….guess what….you guys are my inspiration….to keep facing whatever life throws at us and keep going.  Hopefully, I will learn to put a smile on my face more often…and have a more positive attitude.

This  is my message for myself tonight–and any of you that can use it….that makes me feel even better.  It sure looks like i have more learning to do guys.

Much love Debbie

Thats what I wanna know about….what are you guys doing to relieve stress??  When hubby went into the hospital…I went for the candy. I put a stop to it-gained 4 lbs in less than a week….now have 2 lbs of that gone.  Here we are…this time of year….so much stress….finances….food choices…family problems….the scale that wont move…the list is endless. 

Each night…I swear i’m gonna come home and do my yoga….I never do.  I am whipped by time I come home…though i’m not doing anything but sitting up there in the hospital…reading or whatever. 

Its this time of year….that we want to run full force to the food….and if we do….guess what…theres 10 lb or more waiting for us come January…no thank you. I want ideas….any and all….share tips…secrets….any little thing.  Its freaking cold here (besides hubbys in hospital) that I havent been walking or anything.  So, got mind tips to ease stress….things to do with your hands….anything…come on guys…lets gather some tips up…cause even if i cant use them…someone else will look at it and go….hey never thought of that…that would work for me!

I have been coming home and rubbing myself with olive oil–someone here (sorry dont remember who) said that it helps with loose skin…that after a 125 lb loss….she still dont have a problem.  I have extremely dry skin….use many different lotions….always still see that whiteness to my skin that shows how dry it is….well, i have used that olive oil 2 times….massage it in….i dont see any whiteness now.  I dont like how it feels when i’m putting it on….but, it makes my skin feel gooood.  The message….the shower…eases my stress a tiny bit lol.  I am gonna stick with this for some time and see what it does….shoot it dont hurt nothing…and its cheaper than so many of my lotions…especially the face creams.  Oh, and my hair…I only left it on for like 3-5 minutes maybe….ohhh next day…talk about soft!!!!

Anyway, this routine of it ..has helped a tiny bit….a few minutes of me time.  Time to go back to the hospital….come on guys….tips…i need them lol.. Love ya….Debbie

Hey guys,

Here I am sitting at my computer…going blah.  I cant say i’m depressed exactly…just not happy….just kind of here going through the motions.  We all have those days I guess.  I am trying to talk myself out of feeling this way-dont know that its ever worked though. 

Kids were fighting when I came home from the hospital-thats not an option right now…dont want to hear it…dont care. Shut up and deal with it is pretty much what I told them. For those of you who dont know…my 19 yr old son is living at home again..and i have a 17 yr old daughter.  Nothing was done like I asked.  Though my daughter jumped up from the outside swing and ran in the house and started folding clothes when I drove up…she getting it done now though. I raked my son over the coals earlier….already told him…pick up after yourself….dont have the time or energy to deal with you…I told him this when he moved back in.  I think he got the message-at least for a minute anyway.  If he wants to live like a pig…he can move somewhere else…otherwise he will pick up after himself….and for all i care…he can stay mad at me for jumping his ass.

Frowns, my house….my god…..there is so much work to be done. Especially before hubby can come home from the hospital…but also so we all dont get sick.  My nieces were here thanksgiving…and my dad….and they have all been sick lately.  My house needs scrubbed and lysol.  I just look around…it just seems kind of hopeless.

Also, monday is payday. I checked our bank balance today….check has already been deposited. Normally this would be a good thing..yet, i feel its just one more thing that has to be done….all the bills…shopping etc that goes with payday.

I just wanna run and hide somewhere….there is not enough of me. This is so stupid….was tearing up…now crying.   Sat here and cried a few minutes….just gotta shake it off…gotta keep going. 

I’ll be back later guys….much love, Debbie

Yeah, I came home early tonight. Hubby insisted I come home when I kept falling asleep in the hard as rock rocking chair they have in the room. I hated to leave so early though. I was up every two hours last night-cooking my turkey last night so I would have time to run to the hospital this morning…and I guess my body just said…enough…night night.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys something. Some of you have heard me talk about my youngest sister Mel. She’s very pregnant with her 4th child…the rest of her kids are 1-5 yrs old. She has also been dealing with her youngest one being sick. But, do you know what she did…and I have to say i’m so surprised..but very pleased.  She went and made every dessert (a lot of them) as sugar free as she could…she carefully marked everything so we would know what was sugar free and not. (hubby is diabetic).  She went through extra work for us-this made me so happy as she tends to be a bit self-centered. Maybe shes growing up a bit.  Smiles…rubbing off on her a bit i guess….she said the real sugared desserts were just too sweet lol.

My mom and my sister complimented me on how pretty I looked. I was wearing a tank top that has a lace overshirt…dark red. I took off the top lace layer because I got hot…my mom was like….wow-you really have lost a lot of weight havent you.  That made me feel good.  Kind of give me a little push to get back on track.  I debated on whether or not I wanted to spend the time to do a pretty shirt…makeup and hair…but sure glad I did when hubbys face lit up when I walked in-worth the extra time.

As far as weight is concerned, I have done really well food wise today…desserts and all.  I gotta get back in gear. I didnt gain the 10 lbs like I thought I did…but, it was a 4 lb gain…still…ouch.  Stress eating for ya-especially with all that candy. Gotta start somewhere so I ditched the sodas the other day….went back to portion control today. 

I know some of you guys have dealt with hospitalizations..and a million other problems….I am trying hard to use that as a guide. Trying to convince myself to take the time out to walk or to do my yoga…but instead I am spending my time doing other things.  When I come home at night…always so tired.  I wished I knew of a solution for the sleep issues…or lack of rather.  Its wearing me out along with the stress.  Its funny…cause the very thing i’m not taking time out for (walking..yoga) is the very thing that will help me with my stress-i’m a stubborn tired ass.

Anyway, I guess i’m gonna go read a few blogs….please forgive me if i dont comment or if i do…they are short.  I have missed you guys in a major way.

Love Debbie

Hey guys…I sure have missed you guys. I am sorry I cant take the time to check with everyone-I’m dying to know how everyone is doing.  I just wanted to say happy thanksgiving…I sure have a lot to be thankful this year….including finding you guys.  I love you guys so much.

Update on hubby:  he is probably gonna be in the hospital until the first of next week…gotta kind of play it by ear.  Dr did up his meds…said its killing the bacteria…but he wants to see what this will do. He is keeping a close eye on hubby to make sure its not too much meds for him. It is looking better….just one of those things ya gotta ride out…thank god he went in to the ER when he did. Dr said this is a particularly strong staph infection…a mean strain of it…that likes to be resistant to the meds….but, it looks like hubby is  doing ok.

Other news, guys I have total let this blow me out of the water. I wouldnt be surprised to learn I’ve gained 10 lbs-seriously. Candy, and candy..and more eating–I notice when they go to clean hubbys cut- I sit there calmly and then head to the nearest vending machine after its done. This really saddens me that I have done this…yet, still doing it.  Part of it is i’m tired…I know. Yeah you guys have told me to rest and so has hubby-my own worst enemy sometimes.  Hubby was asking me about my meals and told me I can take time out for walking and all that stuff-said I really needed to take care of myself. Half-smile, not enough hours in the day you know.  I cant sleep at night….cant take a sleeping pill cause of what it will do the next day.  I’m a stresser and a worrier….hubby was like…why are you stressing so much…you know i’m gonna be ok…(.he knows i’m stress eating.)…I just kind of gave a half laugh and didnt say anything…..brought tears to my eyes though.  Be ok though.

I will tell you guys one thing…man my daughter has came through for me-and not a word of complaint either. Bless that child. She has been cleaning for two days…catching up on all the things i’ve let slide….taking care of the animals….fixing her own meals….and doing the ton of laundry & doing more on the cleaning then i’ve asked her.  If there is any way possible…come monday-payday…I really would like to give her a special treat. Smiles…she even made her own dessert for tomarrow.

I wanna thanks for all the encouragement and support….and all the hints to take care of myself.  Gonna do the best I can to enjoy tomarrow…after that…the game is on to start taking care of myself….I miss my walks, my yoga…and stuff.  I know you guys are right…and hubbys right..and logically I know what I should be doing.  Anyway, I had a few minutes while baking pies…and I just wanted you guys to know i miss ya and I  love you guys bunches.  Happy thanksgiving everyone-safe and happy holiday guys.  There are so many of you guys who are near and dear to my heart…and I wished I could sent special messages to each one of you….but, time is limited and theres still so much to do. Happy holidays guys. Love Debbie

Ok, some of you guys know hubby is in the hospital.  They got him on meds and pain meds too.  He has been trying to send me home all day..he’s crazy.  He’s not understanding I worry less by being there then I would at home. I am home for the night and back first thing in the morning. Oh god i hated to leave him tonight…tearing up…lump in my throat. I mean, he’s gonna be ok. This isnt life threatening. Its just hes suffering some major pain…especially when they clean it. I hate to see anyone hurt…much less my baby.

Thanks for all the prayers and all. I really do appreciate it.  It means the world to have you guys out there praying and all.

That crazy man….the last thing I wanna do is cook thanksgiving dinner ( my family is supposed to come here and I’m cooking-various reasons behind this believe me). He has like….oh yes you are cooking. I was like..just looking at him…hours and hours worth of work…that i’m gonna be away from his side….and he tells me…yes you are cooking…cause your gonna bring me some of it! lol  I still want to ditch the whole thing…but, he wants it…he’s gonna get it.

My eating today has sucked…not gonna lie. I had a chili dog for lunch…no breakfast. Cheetos for supper…I dont even like chips really.  I was supposed to come home and fix me something to eat…I dont know about that.

The night in the motel…Saturday…I was afraid to move and hurt him…cause I am one of those ones that toss and turn and can get wild at night…twisting blankets up etc.  So, last night, same thing…only this time….he was cold..and he kept me locked up tight in his arms.  Some of you guys might remember the cartoon where the girl grabs bugs bunny or whatever animal she could and while strangling him….would say things like…i’m gonna feed ya and love ya and hug ya….all while strangling the poor thing. I was the rabbit last night…only instead of choking me he had a death grip on my ribs.  I’m just running on empty…no sleep those two nights…though i caught an hour nap yesteriday afternoon.

I walked right passed my blazer in the hospital parking lot…didnt recognize it one bit…walked all the way to the last lot and was like…where’s my blazer.  Then,  a few minutes later at home…I almost grabbed my sons lap top computer to take to hubby….uhhh the name on the cord was my cue that it wasnt hubbys….i was like….why does hubby (brandy) have James name on his cord? I look at the computer and then after staring at it….finally clued in on my mistake.  Washed my face about 4 times with cold water.

Anyway, I’m probably not gonna be here much the next few days. Not gonna be able to check on you guys…i’m sorry.  I do wish everyone a safe and happy thanksgiving. Update you guys when I can…Off to bed.  I love all of you guys. Love Debbie

I did have to take hubby back to the ER today. They admitted him to the hospital.  The infection has spread. Its from his right side…to his left past the belly button…down to almost his groin area. Our family doc came in to see him…told him to be very thankful he came in…that he should have been admitted last night. Anyway, i’m exhausted and only home for a few to take care of a few things. Pray this infection heals up for us please. They have a guy thats been in the hospital for 11 days and its just now starting to clear up…for this same thing.  Anyway, much love…Debbie

Yeah, today is my birthday. The big 40.

As for this weekend…apparently someone made other plans for me then what I intended.

First it started friday…we went to the bank to get some money. Hubby snapped the cable that puts the truck…in things like..park, reverse, drive…you get the picture.  So, he puts it in drive manually..and at least we get it home.  Finally, after about an hour…we find the part…its in the town where we needed to go for our weekend anyay…that works…and only $75-the auto part places kept telling us…dealer item only…that normally spells out expensive! So, he puts it in drive manually and drives his truck up there and I follow him in my blazer….we get the part…and hubby takes his truck to the yard where they work…and him and his guys work on it & finally got it fixed…I ended up waiting in his pickup-using his laptop for amusement til about 3. I went back to the room and waited for him to get off.

Background…friday night…he tells me….baby look at this for me…its a red spot on his stomach…I looked at it…tried to open it up….thinking ingrown hair or whatever. Saturday…all day…it hurt him really bad…being really careful moving…got to looking at it in the motel room…it had more than doubled in size.  Today, it had doubled again…..he followed me back home and went to the ER.  They wanted to keep him but said they would try out patient care. Cut it open and put packing in it…after cleaning it out. They drew a purple line where the redness is….it gets outside that mark…out to the ER he goes and they will have to put him in. This is some kind of bacteria…and they (doc) havent found an med that really works for it yet…but they are trying something…gave him pain meds too.  They said this is nothing to mess with.  He goes to his regular doc tomarrow to get packing done…this will have to be done every day.  He is suffering so much guys-really hurts to see him suffer. Funny note: I was sitting near him when they used a needle to put meds in it to deaden it…I saw his reaction….lady looked like she was digging for gold or something…she was trying to deaden it all..  After they did what …guess I was a little involved….cause after it was over…I let out this huge sigh…everyone looked at me lol…guy in there was like…fanning motion in front of face….do this…dont pass out lol.  You would have thought it was me under the stress…guy was like -sympathy pain huh.  Oh boy. I just hope and pray that he doesnt end up in the hospital. 

You know, he was suffering so much saturday…he wasnt fooling me.  I wanted to go back to the room after supper and just chill out. He was like nope…get dressed…going to the bar.  I really didnt wanna go.  Funny note: get this….his work place gets these guys a room at a motel next to the one where the hookers hang out…I kid you not.  So, i was like fine…you want me to wear my sexy shirt…he was like no…dont want you to be mistaken for a hooker…they kick them out. LOL ouch.  So, I barely slapped any makeup on…put on a plain t-shirt….whole 9 yards and we go down to the motel bar. Good news…is that they had an awesome band.  Hubby practically kept me in his lap…all snuggled up to him all night…I dont know…what that was about.  Bad news…do you have any idea how hard it is to have a “good time” when all you can do is worried about him.  We drank a few beers and I told him I was ready to go…..I wanted him to lay down.

Being a typical man, we get back to the room….he’s like playtime….i just looked at him.  He cant hardly move for the pain…and he thinks he’s gonna play-I will say he tried though. Poor baby.

Today, we get up…decide he’s going to the ER here at home…and we are gonna get some breakfast and leave.  He’s like…wanna go to the mall…movies or anything baby?  Uhhh nooo…dont think so.  I understand he really wanted me to have a great birthday….shakes head…not at his expense though.   

As far as my birthday…I will say everyone else has made sure to tell me happy birthday….both kids…my nieces even (not the babies…other ones)…my mom and dad….even my brother in law from Ten. He’s a nut…gotta love him.  My daughter after I made it home…was like…look..isnt my mom pretty. (lol) I got presents from my little sister…and some others.  My oldest sister that bailed….not even a text message wishing me a happy birthday.  Which is ok…whatever her issues-her problems-not mine.  She online on her computer right now…sorry ..I dont have a thing to say to her.

Anyway guys, its been a very long weekend.  Still really tired…last night hubby would turn…groan and roll back over-all night..oh how i felt for him.  Not exactly the weekend I had planned…but, if my hubby can stay out of the hospital…oh man…that will make my day!!

Love ya guys….Debbie

P.S.  Did ok on the eating much to my surprise.. kept portions in place.  Did have that beer…but its ok. 

Ok, guys first of all you have my heart-felt thanks for all the love you have been showing me.  I know you guys can tell how much I needed you.  I have read and reread the comments you made.  I was still down this morning and pretty much all day.  But, you know…sooner or later…that “they can kiss my ass” attitude comes back and thats what happened.  You guys are right…I am here because of the lack of support I get from those around me….they dont realize just what i’m going through. So, guess what…its all about me.

Other news, my sister just bailed out on me for this weekend…not going out with me to celebrate my 40th birthday.  I dont even care.  I know-she has told me before-that she has jealousy issues around me.  My weight loss just enhances it….I am assuming thats why she bailed out on me.  However, it will be just me & hubby. I will get him to treat me like a queen. I can make do with that. I will say that last night he came back to me and something was said about my weight loss…as you can imagine…i was a bit touchy on the subject and didnt say anything…but he started listing the changes I have made etc etc.  That was something at least. 

I will say I have cried buckets over the comments you guys have sent me…..god you guys understand so much. Hugs.

I pretty much have a screw everyone (not you guys) attitude right now.  This is my time to shine if they dont like it…they can bite me.  I am sure this is a great attitude to take out drinking tomarrow night….who cares.  I am gonna dress up…and I’m gonna have fun if it kills me.  (I thought about forgetting the whole thing and stay home).  I am NOT letting them ruin my moments.  I cant change their attituded…but I damn sure can change mine!

I started not to post at all today…..yet, after all the love you guys have shown me…its only right that I let you know that i’m ok finally.  If not for you guys…I would have crawled into a hole of dispair and stayed there. 

I gotta go and get my daughter pretty soon. I just wanted you guys to know all this.  I love you guys more than I can ever say. Love Debbie

I have debated with myself all day on if I would write this blog or not.  I have read and reread the comments you guys have made on my blogs today. Your happiness and your love and support is worth the world to me.  Gosh, I guess all I can say is this must be one emotional day for me.  I have alternated between being happy and pissed off…even cried a few tears. This lump in my throat sure makes it hard to swallow.

Ok, when I saw that magic little number…man, I was on cloud 9…I did it you know.  Deep breath.  I knew…when I saw the scale…and even when I wrote my blog…I pointed out…its not a big deal to everyone else here at home.  I know this…so why am I sitting here crying like a baby?  My daughters reaction..thats good…in a I could care less way…ok..ouch.  I texted my older sister…she called a bit later….no congrats or nothing….she just wanted to tell me that she was getting her dog from the vet. Ok, thank you for that.  Even hubby this morning….thats good baby..and thats it.  Geeze…contain your excitement.  He made me feel more special the other day..then he has today. He has been playing games all day…without to much to say to me.  I could say something to him…but whats the point you know.  I think part of his problem is that he has fallen off the wagon….again he’s eating 2 plates of food tonight. I cant do this for him though…he was the one that got me started on this…kept talking to me to try this diet with him….drink diet soda…etc etc…til I finally gave in…now look.

Deep breath…crying. Why in the hell  does everyone consider me the center of this family…everyone runs to me…to damn bad I can say the same.  Part of me, says…screw them….this anger is fuel for the fire to keep me going.  Part of me, says…dont let them ruin such an important day.  Part of me wants to go off on all them….cant they make a little bit of effort here-my god would it kill them. 

My sister has been calling & calling me…first of her supposedly health scare…oh I have a blood clot …blah blah blah….many phone calls.  Now, the drama is over the fighting between her and her daughter….and again..many calls.  Thats ok…I’m supposed to support her…but its too damn much to ask for it back. Anyway, you guys get the picture.

Gives a little laugh…well, I’m not crying any more….getting mad again. 

Well, I know they care….but I also know there some issues or something.  This isnt going to deter me…I’m gonna keep going. Whatever the problems they have that comes into play with reaching out and supporting me….well, guess what….thats fine. Fuel for the fire baby.

I am so very grateful for you guys….I will probably reread those comments yet again….trying to find my balance again…bask myself in your loving support.  I just needed to vent…I tend to stew over things….like most things…that stew…sooner or later it might just boil…and I dont want that….hubby and my daughter would be so clueless….like whats wrong with her.  My sister …damn I dont know. Anyway, this was my way of trying to get all the hurt feelings and anger out of my system so I can go back to being damn proud of what I have managed to do. 

I really and truely love you guys….thank you seems so little for what you have given me.    Love Debbie