somemansdream

The other day, I did some thinking. In a blog that I wrote…I had some concerns that since I wasnt really putting much effort into my weight loss…that I wouldnt appreciate what it cost me to get where I wanted and that one day I would slip into my old ways.  So, by the end of that blog..I decided to make a challenge for myself.  The first was to walk til I couldnt do any more & the second was to do a real workout for one day.  Well, I got up this morning and decided today was the day to do my walking challenge.  OMG!!  This is the farthest I have EVER walked…Nonstop….5 miles..and a total of 89  minutes!!!!!!!!!  I did it…5 miles guys!!!!….see many moons ago…I could do 6 miles…but the kicker was I would take a 30 or 40 minute break after 3 miles and then do the other 3.  I’m so proud…cause this was nonstop…not even to bend down and tie my laces or anything!!!  The 89 minutes is great too cause those minutes will help in my walking challenge lol.  I am sore has hell…my feet and thighs burn…but I dont care!!  Now that I have sat down, may not be able to get back moving anytime soon…but I’m happy!!! lol.  I just wanted to share my good news with you guys! 

You know, its when you tried to hide something that it comes out in one way or another.  I have been racking my brain–I have been craving sweets like mad.  It’s one thing when its pms time and hormones are screaming….give me chocolate.  It’s a whole different thing when something that is bothering you sneaks in disguised as something else…like cravings.  I mean, I like candy like anyone else….but, this is getting a little extreme.  Funny thing is, I really thought I had dealt with this and put it behind me….but, good ol’ me …i’m a worrier and always have been.  I hate to even blog yet again about it…written so many times about it.  Yet, the stress is real…I’m eating not out of desire for the food (candy) but to feed my anxiety I guess.  I dont know what else it could be.  My daughter is fine.  My son is a stubborn mule (see earlier blog) but he’s ok.  Hubby is good..health wise….only one real bone of contention in my life is his job situation.  I cant imagine that its my weight loss…..stops & thinks…what could I be afraid of there?  I dont know.  My intentions are clashing with my urge to eat and eat…candy…more candy.  I had assumed it was my hubby’s job….that i was still anxious over that…but why would I?  It’s more money though not as much as the dream job we have been waiting on….I do worry about the drive….but hubby has always made it home safely. (farther away).  I really thought I felt we can deal with whatever comes of this job….he doesnt like it or whatever…he can get another one.  I told him that it was up to him…to do what he felt was right….cause i’m not the one out there on the job site. 

 So, what…what is it that is sending me to eat more than I should..or to want candy so badly.  Over the last two weeks…maybe 3…I have had more candy then I have had in a long time…..to me…thats a red flag waving around.  I know I have been battling depression on and off pretty hard since the middle of Aug til now.  All this adds up to something…I’m not sure what…..is it just my mind saying hey…your gonna push this off and not “worry” about it….i’ll show you and send me into a candy fit.  I am kind of rambling here….just trying to figure all this out. 

Let me stop and think…ok, the above covers my concerns about job situation…even now…cant really feel any alarm about it…it will be whatever it’s gonna be…no matter if i worry or not.  So, what about weight.

Do I know I can do this…really lose 130 lbs or a little more.   Yes, I can…may be 2 lbs at a time…but I can.

Is this gonna change my relationship with hubby?  I see us having more fun.  He loves me regardless, I know this. I have an unshakeable believe in us and our love….so that cant be it.

Will this change my relationship with my  older sister?  It’s already having a impact…so yeah.  I dont see her walking away for good.  I can see her being jealous… making negative comments now and then.  No biggie.  After all this time, I feel I can handle her.  Besides, i’m not doing this for her.

The only thing is….hubby ticked me off a little this evening….over food issues.  He doesnt think I’m eating enough…that my portions are way to small.  He almost had a cow when I skipped breakfast and supper in one day…..thats rare though when I do something like that & its cause i dont feel good.  But, tonight he commented about it….that I had no business commenting on his lunch cause of the way I was eating.  Wrong answer buddy.  He’s diabetic and only had chips and dip for lunch…so yeah…I said something.  My daughter has also made comments about my portions sizes…even today as a matter of fact.  She made a sarcastic remark about how much of something i wanted to save for my lunch tomarrow…what one bite of chicken and one dumpling.  So this part may be bothering me a little.  If I get hungry…I’ll eat a bite of something.  In no way am I starving myself…..most days its 3 meals a day. (I just remembered…hubby actually made two remarks about my food intake today…hey!!!).  I just dont eat as much as I used to …my god..that is what made me so damn fat in the first place.  My stomach has gotten smaller cause I have been doing portion sizes since like the very end of May.  This may very well be my problem.  Cause today….breakfast was normal…but lunch was just a little too much….and so was supper…then I ate a candy bar!!!!  Well, you know what….i’m real sorry they have a problem with the portion sizes I am using. 

Ok, here is the deal….doc gave hubby list of portion sizes and what he can have each meal..ok. He talked me into doing this with him.  I dont do fruits and veggies…I just dont.  The way the list is set up…the so called veggies I do like…are actually starches.  I realize I am not eating all the food that i’m allowed on this plan.  Not only am i not doing the fruits and veggies.  I allow myself 4 oz of protein for lunch instead of his 2.  For supper, I do the recommended 4 oz of protein…cause 5 or 6 oz of protein and I leave some of it on the plate.  I eat my starches…potatoes, corn, beans, pasta…to go with my protein.  I dont eat as much of those as I’m allowed either.  If its something that comes in a bowl, mixed foods (soup) whatever…I normally eat out of this bowl i have..which is small…1 cup maybe?  My point is….if I get hungry…i’m not bashful…I will go and get a snack. 

 I am hoping this is my problem and that by bringing it to light…It will help me.  Well, hubby’s and daughter’s comments…dont know what to tell them.  I dont feel I am doing something dangerous….losing weight slow and steady.  I’m not changing my ways…I cant go back to my old portion sizes.  I am just gonna start telling them…especially my daughter…to keep her comment about my food sizes to herself.  I gotta do whatever it takes to lose this weight….its brutal on my spirit and on my body.

Ok guys…this is where you jump in.  What do you think?  Could this be sending me out on a candy binge…and even making me eat a little more food then I am comfortable with….do you see something I am missing??  You guys have gotten to know me….I know you have my best interests at heart.  However, I am really close to the issue here.  Can you find something that I am over looking?  Does my thinking sound reasonable?  I am a firm believer in you cant  change what you dont acknowlege….so I need –really need–to figure this out.  Telling myself I’m gonna be good doesnt work if in the back of my mind there is something that is going to send me off to get yet more candy!!  Anyway, any help would be great….even if its …girl…run…run fast…the candy monster is hunting for you…RUN!!!

Love Debbie

I want to rant real fast cause I dont have much time.  My son..He NEVER listens!!!!  (the married 19 yr old).  He is so damn impatient that he just cant wait to do things right.  He bought a junker..needs a little work.  Fine…his father tells him…wait til I get home and I will help you fix it…cause my son only knows enough about cars to be dangerous.  No insurance, no inspection..or tags ..need muffler….brakes…..you get the idea.  Had a job interview this  morning…I told him…since car isnt legal…I will pick you up and then again later for picking up his final check from his last job…no no..just bring me a few dollars for gas and I’ll pay you back this afternoon….bottom line…he wanted to do it his way and he wants to drive the car.  Fine, whatever.  Then he starts calling hubby this afternoon…what do you think is wrong with my car..its doing this and this and i’m sitting at the store broke down.  He tried to tell my  hubby that I was busy today and that was why he was driving the car….bullshit….hell no…this just boils down to him wanting to do what he wants to do.  Well, he just called….oh i got it running…told him…good luck getting it home.  He’s gonna screw that car up so bad..there is no fixing it.  Anyway, I wanted to vent….but, I can honestly say…it isnt that he is a teenager….he was been this way all his life.  It just drives me nuts…I want a beer!!!!!    Ok, I got lots to do…have to let this go….I dont know if this made sense….but here it is anyway. 

They say that is what it takes to make your dreams come true…sweat, blood & tears.  While I really would like to keep my blood, I have already invested many tears….and I am sure there will be more to come.  The sweat part…yeah, I have done that too.  Yet, I know with everything in me…I have not given my all.  On this journey…I have been pretty lazy actually.  I have fallen between what I can do….and not giving enough….cause you see…on my last journey…I worked so very very hard.  Then, of course, there came a day…when I was sick of being so sore…I couldnt hardly move…and I began to dread my workouts…and pretty soon…the excuses came & I stopped working out all together.  Now, here I am on another journey…and I feel I’m doing pretty good on losing the weight….yet, you know what…i’m not working out…I am doing some walking…nothing major…maybe a mile or even two when I feel like it.  To be honest…the only reason I am doing that is because I signed up for the Thanksgiving challenge….otherwise, I probably wouldnt be walking either.  Normally, my yardwork and housework has been my “exercising”.  I was thinking about all this…..you know, I give lip service to how  bad I want this…..I want to be at 250 lb by my 40th birthday in Nov.  and then I want to go on and lose this weight to become a “normal” size.  I have cried oh so many buckets of tears over my fat & the feelings that being this way makes me feel.  I have no excuses… I want it…and yeah, there is a bit of effort….but I’m not working for it.  You know what that means??  When I am faced with temptation….I’m not telling myself…oh hell no…I worked too damn hard for this…I sometimes indulge…after all….what’s it costing me really??  An extra mile that day…nope..an extra mile later in the week..nope….it costs me nothing.  At least that is what I tell myself.  My biggest concern….is that something that isnt earned with sweat, blood and tears….isnt going to be appreciated farther down the line…and I will slip gradually in my old ways. 

So, for this new week…..I am going to do two things to challenge myself……one day…during my walk….I’m gonna see what I can do….gonna walk til I just give up.  That is my walking challenge for myself.  I will even give myself the next day off if I need to.  The other challenge is to do a workout…any kind…weights/ toning exercises from a book I have-its pretty rough -DVDs….I have billys bootcamp workouts….One workout from one of my choices this week….work those muscles!  I may come crawling in here…afterwards..crying…but you know what….those will be tears I earned. 

So, guys…what about you….I know so many are already do some killer workouts.  Be damn proud.  But, now…you other guys….that are like me…coasting along…losing weight…but not working too much for it….you wanna go for it??  Do you want to challenge yourself to push yourself just one little day out of a whole week??  Not even a tiny bit curious to see what you can really do???  Come on guys…join me.  Tell me…what will be your sweat, blood & tears for this week????  If i’m gonna do two….I know you can do one…come on now…dont be shy….jump in with me…tell me what your gonna do for this week…

Big smile….Lets Rock It This Week!!!!                  Love Debbie

First of all, I wanna say thanks to the guys that answered my blog last night. I read it with tears rolling down my face.  I have noticed this morning I feel better though.  I dont know if it was the extra sleep…went to bed at 9 or getting things out in here.  I think from now on…when depression is starting to sink its claws into me…I’m gonna write an emotional blog..and for me…last night was…cause I desperately needed help…I dont want to waste time with depression.  I lost like 2 1/2 years tied up with depression and other problems…I dont even have clear memories of that time period,  I think that is enough time gone from my life.  Besides the blog, I am going to pick up an old hobby….I used to draw a long time ago…..I had to stop when I couldnt concentrate for more than one minute at a time (kid you not) and my hands shake….my hands only shake now and then so I think I can do this…I was thinking about it…I sure used to lose myself in it.  (Thanks Catrina & Debbi  for the idea).  All of you guys that wrote in….it meant soo much to me…..cause it doesnt matter what the words were….the message was the same….we are here…we care….what can we do to help…..and that means the world to me.  Except my hubby…I dont have anyone that stands for me. So it makes you guys even more special to me.  Anyway, I am doing better this morning. 

Other good news, is that I was able to keep my 3 lb weight loss for the week. I do have something to confess though.  Yesteriday, I only had lunch…I skipped breakfast and supper.  I know this isnt good for me….surprised my body didnt say…bad girl….we are taking that loss back since you wont feed us.   Part of it was depression…the other…is that I already felt so  full…like I had eaten hugh meals….I couldnt tolerate the thought of eating last night.  Hubby asked what I had for supper and when I told him….he told me what I already knew…that it wasnt good for me to skip food…especially that much.  Sometimes though, good or bad…you have to listen to your body….i really think if i would have tried to force food…It would have just made me sick.  I’m back on track…after I’m done here…gonna eat breakfast. 

I just want to remind you guys….man, when you write a comment on someone’s blog….the words are not the important part…its the love and encouragement that shows through  that means everything.  There have been times when I didnt know what to say–it doesnt matter I know now–its the “I’m here & I care” that is so important.  So remember this guys…as you read blogs…make comments….you are giving someone a gift they can treasure. 

God bless each and everyone of you guys….love you all so much.  Thanks for being there when I needed you.  Love Debbie

Ok, yet another go round with depression.  I can feel it sinking into me. I really, really didnt want to do my walk this evening, I did though-just not as long as normal.  I figured it would boost my mood and it didnt even come close. I usually love it outside and the cool wind and all usually picks me up.  I also noticed…my music didnt even sink in to what I was listening to.  Thats when I know its not good…cause music is a passion of mine.  I dont know if I have told you guys this or not….but, i’m about half-deaf.  There has been times in my life…I was pretty much completely deaf and then I would have surgery and it would help. Round and round we go.  As a teen, I had my last surgery.  Years later, I went to see a specialist…too much damage to be able to do anything.  I used to have hearing aids…I dont right now.  The point is…music is a love of mine….a passion.  Cause one of these days…I wont be able to hear it…its enjoy it while you can deal.  I noticed on my walk….head down…music going…nothing…didnt stir me a bit.  I know when music doesnt touch me…its not good.  I was thinking…seems like I battle it (depression ) to some degree every so often.  I looked it up on my blogs….quite a few times last month it sank its claws into me…and here it is again….battled it some this month too.  Shakes head…I dont know.   Though I seem to be fighting it more then I want….it only seems to last a few days….then it disappears.  So, I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions.  I already exercise which they say helps.  I have never brought this up with my doctor….just done some reading on the net without any real help.  He would just give me pills….and I might take them a day or two…but I hate taking pills…I have a horrible time swallowing them…even the tiny pills.  My birthcontrol pills are tiny…I choke on them….so even if a  doctor gave me something….I probably wouldnt take it.  Anyway…guys…I’m sinking here…I can feel it….its dragging me down….so if you have any suggestions or tips…please leave them.  All this energy i use to try and fight it off unsucessfully…could be better spent on my journey.  Thanks guys for any help.  Much love…Debbie